LAST DAY OF SPRING

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I swam twice.

I went to Coffs with KB and Clarz. We got her Christmas layby out and picked up my ultrasound results. We ate hot dogs, doughnuts and smoothies as requested by Clarz.

That’s when I went swimming. High tide and clear waters.

I also shopped in our little local supermarket. The girl carried my bags to the car.

Remi and Don are leaving and going North to Mackay. Don has a job as Director of Nursing. I will truly miss them.

Its past Midnight now and the agony re-visits me. I am on my own now. Geez I have spent enough of my life that way. The good stuff is gone. For good.

Now I am left with the Shards.

I can make things with Shards.

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THE WEEKEND ENDS

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It sure has rained a lot.

I have been home for two days and it has done me good. I worked out a few things as well.

I am not a city girl and don’t care if I never see a city again – after next week, I am done with them.

Likewise low grade music gigs and crowded sparse restaurants.

Actually, that’s about all that I worked out. Not much really. But enough.

It sure has rained a lot.

MORE HEAT AND MORE SWIMS

THEY say it reached 42 degrees celsius here today. I was OK. Swam a couple of times. Siesta-ed. Stayed cool. Brierfield was still sick and also  extremely hot. I AM SO SLEEPY and really will just take myself to bed. Life is fucking tough for me despite the good stuff. Tough physically. I am getting my head around it but now I am sleepy and just need to go to bed and think about the good stuff. The swimming and chatting and good food and kind people. The Southerly blowing through now and bring the temperatures down. My Poppy at her book opening down in Merimbula.And one more day lived. Suck it dry, Girl. Suck every good juice out of it. Being able to get up barefooted and duck down to the lagoon to see the blood moon. Saltwater and fresh air and safety.

Good Night Southerly. See you all in the morning.

HOT AGAIN

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TODAY I chose a meeting instead of kayaking or swimming. I needed to do that and I am glad I did. My little girls still have the stomach wog.

We talked at the Meeting of many things. Then I swam because the heat was staggering. Now, its Night again and I am clean again. Still. Thank God for that.

HERE IT COMES AGAIN

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Here it comes again – the searing midnight pain when staying up hurts too much and bed is a dread filled place with the brumby mad mind bucking and kicking and the nausea rising. He’s gone. All the bits and pieces are gone. There is nothing left. Novembers we travelled South. Novembers we went to Kathy’s birthdays. All done now. All gone.

There is nothing and noone to touch – to lie with – to hold on to. Noone to help me. Noone to love.

Behind the violent onslaught of Midnight Mind – I am aware that I have made another day without drugging or drinking or smoking. One more day which takes me no further into suffering. Simply wearied and worried and terribly lonely.