i was so much older then – tonight i mourn

I AM YOUNGER THAN THAT NOW.

I had best just keep getting younger and younger because OLD just isn’t worth the effort. I had a tearful day today. Just wanted to cry. I had begun to SHIMMER as J.B. used to say but now – I figure – I am so much younger now than I was this afternoon.

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can’t write tonight. Hands cramped and seized and claw-like. Bum.

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Ah – a little better. I would just like to cry tonight. I am afraid of the seizures coming back. My Lass and me had a kind of messy day together. The Doc I went to see was truly horrible and useless. We shopped where Iz and I shopped and where he went on Thursdays for his work provisions for his men. I have become too TIRED this week and the Emotions have the edge on me. Seems like nothing is going right but it is only tiredness whispering to me.And now, for sitting and crying.

TODAY I TRIED A LITTLE TOO HARD. IT NEVER WORKS.

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Origins in ‘quiet time’

In suggesting prayer and meditation as the primary practices for “conscious contact” with a Higher Power, Bill was influenced by the morning “quiet time” practiced by members of the Oxford Group, a movement dedicated to rediscovering the principles of early Christianity. Bill had probably read How to Listen to God, an Oxford pamphlet that listed basic conditions for quiet time: “To be quiet and still. To listen. To be honest about every thought that comes. To test the thoughts to be sure that they come from God. To obey.”

Bill echoed this openness to spiritual direction in his instructions for prayer and meditation on pages 85-88 of the Big Book. Admitting that it “would be easy to be vague” about these subjects, Bill tried to boil down his knowledge of spiritual practice into a short list of “definite and valuable suggestions” relating to Step Eleven. These he organized under three basic headings: what to do first thing in the morning, what to do throughout the day, and what to do at night before going to sleep.

At night

During his lectures about Step Eleven, Holmquist emphasizes the unity of the Steps. In fact, Steps Four to Nine prepare us for most of the processes described in Steps Ten and Eleven. This is especially clear in the Big Book’s list of questions to ask at night, as we review and end each day. For example:

  • Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? “This means asking how I did on my Fourth Step today,” says Holmquist.
  • Do we owe an apology? “This is asking about how I did on my Steps Eight and Nine.”
  • Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? “This means: How did I do on Step Five today?”

“In Steps Four through Nine, I clean up the wreckage of the past,” Holmquist adds. “In Steps Ten and Eleven, I clean up the wreckage of today–how my imperfections as a human complicate my life. These two Steps define what it means to completely give ourselves to this simple program.”

STEP 11.

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The main thing that has brought me to tears is trying to make things work the way I want them to. When they didn’t, I wanted to cry and ended up hands cramped.  I am at a new stage post death and coma. I can feel that. I have improved another stage . Now I just need to programme myself a little more vigilantly again.

DON’T GET SO TIRED.

DONT TRY TO FORCE ANYTHING. 

LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS.

DO NOT EVEN THINK UNTIL MORNING. 

And tonight I mourn. Tonight I weep and howl and cry and sob. 

TONIGHT I MOURN.

I wasn’t expecting this sorrowing. Didn’t have my eyes open for the sharks in the surf.

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