Here it comes again – the searing midnight pain when staying up hurts too much and bed is a dread filled place with the brumby mad mind bucking and kicking and the nausea rising. He’s gone. All the bits and pieces are gone. There is nothing left. Novembers we travelled South. Novembers we went to Kathy’s birthdays. All done now. All gone.
There is nothing and noone to touch – to lie with – to hold on to. Noone to help me. Noone to love.
Behind the violent onslaught of Midnight Mind – I am aware that I have made another day without drugging or drinking or smoking. One more day which takes me no further into suffering. Simply wearied and worried and terribly lonely.
Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.
— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 87
I do not claim to have all the answers in spiritual matters, any more than I claim to have all the answers about alcoholism. There are others who are also engaged in a spiritual search. If I keep an open mind about what others have to say, I have much to gain. My sobriety is greatly enriched, and my practice of the Eleventh Step more fruitful, when I use both the literature and practices of my Judeo-Christian tradition, and the resources of other religions. Thus, I receive support from many sources in staying away from the first drink.
The day is done. Another meeting in me and I shan’t write till I have one more. My little girls have a tummy bug out at Brierfield. My washing machine is broken. That’s about it. I have Fear of Financial Insecurity back and I am Worrying. I need to hand it all over for the night.
I booked the tickets to fly to Sydney next week. Did it online myself plus the seats. I was unable to do that last time. I could not focus well enough. That is done.
H and E took the kayaks out and its a cool and gentle day. DOWN HERE near the lagoon reminds me of Rainbow Bay where I lived up North. A miniature community of eccentrics. Its looking tropical now and is lush with plants and birds. Just need a grapevine.
I have a meeting available tonight and will take an afternoon in bed now.
The tide is high and people are pottering. Next door they are building a screened back room : just nailing up mesh the way I like. No major permits and schmaltzy builders. Just nailing up mozzie screens. Over the way, Phil is finishing his home renovations. And sitting on the front porch watching the water.
Rem and Don went fishing last night and caught some whoppers. That’s life down here on the Lagoon.
There is cricket and soccer on the ovals and bootcamp and athletics.
And sometimes I am at peace and sometimes I am actually happy.