ITS THE EDGE OF NIGHT and its pissing down and wild. Tornado like storms hit Sydney today and now something is hitting here and my mood is bleak. John spoke today of what he thought was Sadness actually being DESPAIR. I feel despair tonight. Disguised as an angry sadness.

I spent the morning at my family’s old house. I guess that could be affecting me. Izzy is gone. Noone is here now. Just me and the frigging garden and stupid rain.

This will pass. I know it will pass. But in the middle of it – despair.

Thunder now and probably lightning.


I have allowed myself to think poorly OF My Self. And I am suffering. I don’t know who wrote the words below but I like them.

Walk In Dry Places

Others must not define us.
The thoughtless practice of lumping people into categories can be destructive.  Some of us still seethe with resentment over the roles we were given in our families while growing up.  We realize that this way of being defined was a put-down.
As adults living sober, we must now make sure that we define ourselves in ways that contribute to our success and happiness.  If others attempt to attach labels to us, we must not accept this… at least not in our own minds.
If others are attempting to define us in this way, we must always ask whether we’ve invited such labeling.  Did your behaviour somehow give them this impression?  Did we mask our true feelings to present an image with which we  don’t really want to live?  Whatever the answer, we must take charge of defining who we are and what we want to be.
If I don’t like the way people have been viewing me, I’ll change the signals I’ve been sending out. Any signals I send should fit the way I really want to be known.

THE EVENING passes and the savagery of emotion eases. Melancholy is all that is left now. Melancholy which is softer and simply sad.

I have had a lot of comfort lately as though Izzy were here. HIs last words to me were :

Good Night , My Beautiful Lady.

Good Night, My Izzy.