HOW BAD IT COULD BE

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Well – 28 years clean and sober and I would do several things if I could do them without paying a terrible price.

I would smoke cigarettes but I tried that before in the early 2000s on the Tweed and the suffering was horrible.

I would run off with a bad man – but I did that in 2001 and the price was extraordinarily high. I felt much like I do now when I did that. It certainly did not pay off for me.

I would use and I would drink to escape feeling the way I do. The bleak despair of the boredom of life in this manner. But I totally know that drinking or using would turn into SHEER HELL.

I would like to go to hospital and tell them I am in pain and crazy and then get sedated – but likewise – the outcome would be gruesome. I would like to zombie out on something – anything- but it might not work. And it would maybe send me crazy. And they would start telling me what to do again. Plus I might have to withdraw and I cannot hang out ever again.

 Leaving me with what options ?

NA Just For Today

A New Way To Live

“When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma…. Either go on as best we can to the bitter ends-jails, institutions, or death-or find a new way to live.”
Basic Text pg. 84

I AM OK NOW , IZ.

I did a meeting and all is now well. I went for Chinese with a fellow member and all is now well. That was a rough day that was. I may have done some damage. So be it !. I am enmeshed.

I clawed my way out to the meeting – knickerless. Damned if it didn’t work again.  I sobbed and sobbed whilst sharing. Not something I usually do. Then I went for Chinese with Julie C and we talked of the Mystics.

Now I am still sad, Iz but I am O.K. again. Life is not near so much fun without you and its hard.  But I am OK for one more day.

076

GOING DOWN

I can handle anything that comes up today even if it is only a moment at a time.

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There are no chemical solutions to spiritual problems. – Ron K.

HERE it comes.  Almighty despair. I cannot go on like this. I cannot maintain the lifestyle I am living. I am so weak I can barely walk half the time. Sick. Sick Sick.  And mightily overwhelmed by  grief.  I suppose I shall come out of this mood but I may not. I am so unhappy that I am locked inside and just aching and aching. I have refused to join in a particular Xmas Day activity. That caused pain between my Girl and me but I am not doing it.

I am struggling today and badly. Struggling with the disease. Struggling with the situation life has placed me in now. All I can think of is letdowns, hurts and using. Outside is grey skied and the humidity has eased.

MY HEAD hurts and I feel wretched. Other times like this I have done some seemingly desperate things.  I am going to take a little longer before I do any of the desperate things. NO matter how hard it is to get through a day, I am going to stay put a little longer. AND STAY ALIVE. That will do for now. Stay clean. Stay alive and give it one more day.

I am not going for Xmas Lunch because I feel inadequate and out of place and second class when I do.  Unfortunately there is no meeting on that day close by. Today I need every reassuring cliche I have ever used before. Many times, I wish to simply lie down and be done.

The trouble with many of us is that in trying times we stop trying.

iz wet bello

IZ, come back. I cannot do this on my own. 

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I HAVE HAD SOME TIMES as bad as this before. They seem a long time back and so they are. But I recall them. I recall lonely Xmases and Birthdays . I recall, also, the happy and busy ones with Izzy. But now I am back in all the alone years and I am devastated and weary. I do know that it would be wiser not to try to escape feeling like this. I do know that it would be wiser to not take up with a strange man.

I wept and sobbed today and I am aware that it might be difficult for my Girl. I seem unable to do otherwise.

Sometimes we have to descend. I wish my family wept more and cuddled more. I GRIEVE. I MOURN. I am fucked. Its raining.

Another thing that I do not need to do now is FIX this mood. Just sit and feel it. Grieve for the lost people, dreams and hopes. For the lost routines and abilities. Moan and groan and call OCHA. OCHA !

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I came to see the damage that was done and the treasures that prevail. Adrienne Rich