HOW BAD IT COULD BE

Well – 28 years clean and sober and I would do several things if I could do them without paying a terrible price.

I would smoke cigarettes but I tried that before in the early 2000s on the Tweed and the suffering was horrible.

I would run off with a bad man – but I did that in 2001 and the price was extraordinarily high. I felt much like I do now when I did that. It certainly did not pay off for me.

I would use and I would drink to escape feeling the way I do. The bleak despair of the boredom of life in this manner. But I totally know that drinking or using would turn into SHEER HELL.

I would like to go to hospital and tell them I am in pain and crazy and then get sedated – but likewise – the outcome would be gruesome. I would like to zombie out on something – anything- but it might not work. And it would maybe send me crazy. And they would start telling me what to do again. Plus I might have to withdraw and I cannot hang out ever again.

 Leaving me with what options ?

NA Just For Today

A New Way To Live

“When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma…. Either go on as best we can to the bitter ends-jails, institutions, or death-or find a new way to live.”
Basic Text pg. 84

I AM OK NOW , IZ.

I did a meeting and all is now well. I went for Chinese with a fellow member and all is now well. That was a rough day that was. I may have done some damage. So be it !. I am enmeshed.

I clawed my way out to the meeting – knickerless. Damned if it didn’t work again.  I sobbed and sobbed whilst sharing. Not something I usually do. Then I went for Chinese with Julie C and we talked of the Mystics.

Now I am still sad, Iz but I am O.K. again. Life is not near so much fun without you and its hard.  But I am OK for one more day.

GOING DOWN

I can handle anything that comes up today even if it is only a moment at a time.

There are no chemical solutions to spiritual problems. – Ron K.

HERE it comes.  Almighty despair. I cannot go on like this. I cannot maintain the lifestyle I am living. I am so weak I can barely walk half the time. Sick. Sick Sick.  And mightily overwhelmed by  grief.  I suppose I shall come out of this mood but I may not. I am so unhappy that I am locked inside and just aching and aching. I have refused to join in a particular Xmas Day activity. That caused pain between my Girl and me but I am not doing it.

I am struggling today and badly. Struggling with the disease. Struggling with the situation life has placed me in now. All I can think of is letdowns, hurts and using. Outside is grey skied and the humidity has eased.

MY HEAD hurts and I feel wretched. Other times like this I have done some seemingly desperate things.  I am going to take a little longer before I do any of the desperate things. NO matter how hard it is to get through a day, I am going to stay put a little longer. AND STAY ALIVE. That will do for now. Stay clean. Stay alive and give it one more day.

I am not going for Xmas Lunch because I feel inadequate and out of place and second class when I do.  Unfortunately there is no meeting on that day close by. Today I need every reassuring cliche I have ever used before. Many times, I wish to simply lie down and be done.

The trouble with many of us is that in trying times we stop trying.

IZ, come back. I cannot do this on my own. 

I HAVE HAD SOME TIMES as bad as this before. They seem a long time back and so they are. But I recall them. I recall lonely Xmases and Birthdays . I recall, also, the happy and busy ones with Izzy. But now I am back in all the alone years and I am devastated and weary. I do know that it would be wiser not to try to escape feeling like this. I do know that it would be wiser to not take up with a strange man.

I wept and sobbed today and I am aware that it might be difficult for my Girl. I seem unable to do otherwise.

Sometimes we have to descend. I wish my family wept more and cuddled more. I GRIEVE. I MOURN. I am fucked. Its raining.

Another thing that I do not need to do now is FIX this mood. Just sit and feel it. Grieve for the lost people, dreams and hopes. For the lost routines and abilities. Moan and groan and call OCHA. OCHA !

I came to see the damage that was done and the treasures that prevail. Adrienne Rich

I’M NOT TRYING TO FORGET YOU ANYMORE

ON THE MAINLINE

JUST BREATHING

FINDHORN

DEATH HAVE NO FEAR

I’M NOT TRYING TO FORGET YOU ANYMORE

ON THE MAINLINE

JUST BREATHING

FINDHORN

DEATH HAVE NO FEAR

CONSIDERING A MOVE – IN SLOW MOTION

Today, I went to meeting and then to look at the studio and back to Kaybees. I will make no decision tonight. I shall pray and think. Pray and think.

Discuss and clarify.

There are 2 meetings per week in Bellingen and access to 2 in Urunga.

There is close access to my kids and grandkids.

Trouble is – she may be leaving in 10 months.

Perhaps I should take a wee leap into a new world.

GRIEF AS AN OLD MAN SEES IT

The Story of the Taoist Farmer

A day at home. Well not quite. I got a doll for Clarzie for her birthday and a card. Clear decisions. No regrets. Forced once more to go the long way round due to blocked pathway. Pricks they are too because it would have only taken a very little thoughtfulness to have given me access.

COULD BE BAD. COULD BE GOOD.

TODAY THE ALFA WENT. Pat and Col came and took him away. Turned out That Pat has sepsis as well. Comes over ill like I do. Needs heaps of antibiotics. So- he got my favourite car ever for $ 100.

COULD BE BAD. COULD BE GOOD.

And then 2 people sent me messages offering me lifts to Bellingen NA and I accepted. Thank God. I needed it. I enjoyed it.

Amazing to be strong and well enough to do a day like yesterday and then a meeting this evening.

Now its Facetime with Eden.

Making NO judgements on the events of today.

COULD BE BAD BUT IT COULD BE GOOD.

Version 3:

A man who lived on the northern frontier of China was skilled in interpreting events. One day, for no reason, his horse ran away to the nomads across the border. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a blessing?” Some months later his horse returned, bringing a splendid nomad stallion. Everyone congratulated him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a disaster?” Their household was richer by a fine horse, which his son loved to ride. One day he fell and broke his hip. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a blessing?”

A year later the nomads came in force across the border, and every able-bodied man took his bow and went into battle. The Chinese frontiersmen lost nine of every ten men. Only because the son was lame did the father and son survive to take care of each other. Truly, blessing turns to disaster, and disaster to blessing: the changes have no end, nor can the mystery be fathomed.

The Lost Horse,
Chinese Folktale.

http://www.noogenesis.com/pineapple/Taoist_Farmer.html

CHOOSE LIVING

WISDOM

CONSIDERING A MOVE – IN SLOW MOTION

Today, I went to meeting and then to look at the studio and back to Kaybees. I will make no decision tonight. I shall pray and think. Pray and think.

Discuss and clarify.

There are 2 meetings per week in Bellingen and access to 2 in Urunga.

There is close access to my kids and grandkids.

Trouble is – she may be leaving in 10 months.

Perhaps I should take a wee leap into a new world.

GRIEF AS AN OLD MAN SEES IT

The Story of the Taoist Farmer

A day at home. Well not quite. I got a doll for Clarzie for her birthday and a card. Clear decisions. No regrets. Forced once more to go the long way round due to blocked pathway. Pricks they are too because it would have only taken a very little thoughtfulness to have given me access.

COULD BE BAD. COULD BE GOOD.

TODAY THE ALFA WENT. Pat and Col came and took him away. Turned out That Pat has sepsis as well. Comes over ill like I do. Needs heaps of antibiotics. So- he got my favourite car ever for $ 100.

COULD BE BAD. COULD BE GOOD.

And then 2 people sent me messages offering me lifts to Bellingen NA and I accepted. Thank God. I needed it. I enjoyed it.

Amazing to be strong and well enough to do a day like yesterday and then a meeting this evening.

Now its Facetime with Eden.

Making NO judgements on the events of today.

COULD BE BAD BUT IT COULD BE GOOD.

Version 3:

A man who lived on the northern frontier of China was skilled in interpreting events. One day, for no reason, his horse ran away to the nomads across the border. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a blessing?” Some months later his horse returned, bringing a splendid nomad stallion. Everyone congratulated him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a disaster?” Their household was richer by a fine horse, which his son loved to ride. One day he fell and broke his hip. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a blessing?”

A year later the nomads came in force across the border, and every able-bodied man took his bow and went into battle. The Chinese frontiersmen lost nine of every ten men. Only because the son was lame did the father and son survive to take care of each other. Truly, blessing turns to disaster, and disaster to blessing: the changes have no end, nor can the mystery be fathomed.

The Lost Horse,
Chinese Folktale.

http://www.noogenesis.com/pineapple/Taoist_Farmer.html

CHOOSE LIVING

WISDOM