GOING DOWN

I can handle anything that comes up today even if it is only a moment at a time.

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There are no chemical solutions to spiritual problems. – Ron K.

HERE it comes.  Almighty despair. I cannot go on like this. I cannot maintain the lifestyle I am living. I am so weak I can barely walk half the time. Sick. Sick Sick.  And mightily overwhelmed by  grief.  I suppose I shall come out of this mood but I may not. I am so unhappy that I am locked inside and just aching and aching. I have refused to join in a particular Xmas Day activity. That caused pain between my Girl and me but I am not doing it.

I am struggling today and badly. Struggling with the disease. Struggling with the situation life has placed me in now. All I can think of is letdowns, hurts and using. Outside is grey skied and the humidity has eased.

MY HEAD hurts and I feel wretched. Other times like this I have done some seemingly desperate things.  I am going to take a little longer before I do any of the desperate things. NO matter how hard it is to get through a day, I am going to stay put a little longer. AND STAY ALIVE. That will do for now. Stay clean. Stay alive and give it one more day.

I am not going for Xmas Lunch because I feel inadequate and out of place and second class when I do.  Unfortunately there is no meeting on that day close by. Today I need every reassuring cliche I have ever used before. Many times, I wish to simply lie down and be done.

The trouble with many of us is that in trying times we stop trying.

iz wet bello

IZ, come back. I cannot do this on my own. 

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I HAVE HAD SOME TIMES as bad as this before. They seem a long time back and so they are. But I recall them. I recall lonely Xmases and Birthdays . I recall, also, the happy and busy ones with Izzy. But now I am back in all the alone years and I am devastated and weary. I do know that it would be wiser not to try to escape feeling like this. I do know that it would be wiser to not take up with a strange man.

I wept and sobbed today and I am aware that it might be difficult for my Girl. I seem unable to do otherwise.

Sometimes we have to descend. I wish my family wept more and cuddled more. I GRIEVE. I MOURN. I am fucked. Its raining.

Another thing that I do not need to do now is FIX this mood. Just sit and feel it. Grieve for the lost people, dreams and hopes. For the lost routines and abilities. Moan and groan and call OCHA. OCHA !

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I came to see the damage that was done and the treasures that prevail. Adrienne Rich

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