AFTER MIDNIGHT

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This is my Last Post for the night. Its my “I AM SERIOUSLY NOT OK” post. The cry for help to the Unseen. Too sorrowful. Too lost to ever find my own way back.

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at gleniffer with izzy

Here I am with Ghosts of this Place. The generations and the families and teaching and memories. I would like to run from  them but Old Flo once told me that the Ghosts would not kill me – the running from them would. I have known so many wise people over all these years. I do not forget their words.

OCHA ! OCHA! OCHA !

This second year’s Xmas season has been hell. A time is coming for this death and the almost intolerable loss combined with the implications of being on my own again, of poverty and of having moved house and had almost all his possessions taken away added to the massive impact of a long coma and resultant illness and disability added to the already existent Hep C – well time is coming for that to become the impetus for a major change in my life and in me. God knows what.

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My experience is that the first year is always chaotic; a roller-coaster of emotions with denial, anger and depression arriving randomly and sometimes all at once as you try to deal with the new reality and face the dreaded Firsts: the First Christmas, the First birthday; the First anniversary.

The second year is bleaker still; no one outside those immediately affected is still grieving, depression has made itself at home as you realise no heavenly messenger is going to turn up and tell you it was all a terrible mistake and turn the clock back.

What I say to the many bereaved men and women I meet (and due to my personal history I am in touch with quite a few) is that, as this week’s Sue Ryder survey suggests, a corner will be turned after the first two years but that will not be the end of it.

Our forebears would have been baffled by the idea of filling out surveys to find out how long the pain of grief is supposed to last.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3157018/Grief-dead-wound-never-heals-s-pain-proves-human.html#ixzz3vVmfPRzF
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The evening is passing. I slept almost all day and one cannot actually stay asleep an entire day and night without drug assistance – so it seems.

There is salt on the air tonight

And a coolness of passing rain.

 

Grief for the dead is a pain that proves we are human | Daily Mail Online

My experience is that the first year is always chaotic; a roller-coaster of emotions with denial, anger and depression arriving randomly and sometimes all at once as you try to deal with the new reality and face the dreaded Firsts: the First Christmas, the First birthday; the First anniversary.

The second year is bleaker still; no one outside those immediately affected is still grieving, depression has made itself at home as you realise no heavenly messenger is going to turn up and tell you it was all a terrible mistake and turn the clock back.What I say to the many bereaved men and women I meet (and due to my personal history I am in touch with quite a few) is that, as this week’s Sue Ryder survey suggests, a corner will be turned after the first two years but that will not be the end of it.Our forebears would have been baffled by the idea of filling out surveys to find out how long the pain of grief is supposed to last.

Source: Grief for the dead is a pain that proves we are human | Daily Mail Online

When Should Someone Be Finished Grieving?

My mom died when I was 10 years old. Now I’m a 29 year old man. Having dealt with her loss for nearly 20 years I can tell you that grief does not go away. The intensity of grief may change over time and the characteristics of grief you experience change as well. Yet grief rooted in the death of a loved one never goes away and that is a good thing.Grieving is not about making it end as quickly as possible. Grieving is an essential human process and it should be embraced, not ignored or expedited. As Steve Jobs said, “Death is very likely the single greatest invention of life.” It’s life’s change-agent and you should think about grief as the environment in which change happens. For example, read about Dashrath Majhi in the thread What are the most gripping stories in human history? After the death of his wife this man spent 22 years single-handedly cutting a path through a nearby mountain range so that other villagers could access local medical help more easily. From the loss of his wife this man changed the lives of others. I’m sure that every time he picked up his tools he felt grief yet he was transformed through that process into a humanitarian.My point isn’t that everyone will respond in a similarly monumental fashion. But death changes us and grief is the environment in which that change happens. With that being said I would encourage you to ask the question differently. Don’t ask about how quickly you can end the grief. Instead you should ask “When can I start and what might I experience along the way?”If I were to describe the nature of grief I would describe grief with these words: seasonal, imperceptible yet influential, interminable.

Source: When Should Someone Be Finished Grieving?

DAMN DAMN DAMN

I hate today. And I am having a miserable Xmas season. I am lonely and mixed up and too damned tired of trying.  Life sux.

lynneDEC 2015
the beachshack 2 days after xmas

Twenty-Four Hours A Day

A.A. Thought For The Day

I need the principles for the development of the
buried life within me, that good life, which I had
misplaced, but which I found again in this fellowship.
This life within me is developing slowly but surely,
with many set-backs, many mistakes, many failures, but
still developing. As long as I stick close to A.A., my
life will go on developing, and I cannot yet know what
it will be, but I know that it will be good. That’s
all I want to know. It will be good.

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at the beachshack

Fuckit. I have misplaced the Good Life.

Sitting here on a cool evening of grey clouds and loneliness, I would like to write my way out of the Suffering. I would like to pick up the tools that I know work.

But I don’t have it in me tonight. I have too few meetings for the savagery of the disease I have. I am isolated and without close companions. I have become afraid of the poverty which seems to lie just ahead. I feel very disappointed in myself that I am not driving myself to meetings and arranging trips away.

I was taught at the start that ARROGANCE, ISOLATION AND IMPATIENCE were deadly enemies. I am impatient. This is still only second year recovery from the patchwork of major traumas. I expect to be doing a lot better than I am.

My legs remain MY legs for the first time in years. The fluid minimal due to the addition of one simple diuretic. My face likewise is not pig puffed with fluid.

I can almost reach my butt with toilet paper, I have been like the Michelin Man – swollen almost to bursting.

I am breathing OK but my vision is blurry. The cataract is due on 22 Jan and I am not entirely happy about it. The blurrier eye seems to be the right one which has been done. Maybe I shall talk to Dr Ferguson first.

I doubt that I will do Harvoni. That is the new Hep C treatment which begins in March.

I seem at the moment to be always ON DUTY in some invisible task. Tense and tight .

WTF is the matter with me ?

Useless question.

WTF shall I do ?   TONIGHT. ONLY TONIGHT. Shower. Pyjamas. Facetime. Old Proverbial Recovery.  Stop kicking and twisting and trying to escape this pain and unhappiness.

DO NOT THINK AHEAD EVEN AS FAR AS THE MORNING.

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