I hate today. And I am having a miserable Xmas season. I am lonely and mixed up and too damned tired of trying. Life sux.
Twenty-Four Hours A Day
A.A. Thought For The Day
I need the principles for the development of the
buried life within me, that good life, which I had
misplaced, but which I found again in this fellowship.
This life within me is developing slowly but surely,
with many set-backs, many mistakes, many failures, but
still developing. As long as I stick close to A.A., my
life will go on developing, and I cannot yet know what
it will be, but I know that it will be good. That’s
all I want to know. It will be good.
Fuckit. I have misplaced the Good Life.
Sitting here on a cool evening of grey clouds and loneliness, I would like to write my way out of the Suffering. I would like to pick up the tools that I know work.
But I don’t have it in me tonight. I have too few meetings for the savagery of the disease I have. I am isolated and without close companions. I have become afraid of the poverty which seems to lie just ahead. I feel very disappointed in myself that I am not driving myself to meetings and arranging trips away.
I was taught at the start that ARROGANCE, ISOLATION AND IMPATIENCE were deadly enemies. I am impatient. This is still only second year recovery from the patchwork of major traumas. I expect to be doing a lot better than I am.
My legs remain MY legs for the first time in years. The fluid minimal due to the addition of one simple diuretic. My face likewise is not pig puffed with fluid.
I can almost reach my butt with toilet paper, I have been like the Michelin Man – swollen almost to bursting.
I am breathing OK but my vision is blurry. The cataract is due on 22 Jan and I am not entirely happy about it. The blurrier eye seems to be the right one which has been done. Maybe I shall talk to Dr Ferguson first.
I doubt that I will do Harvoni. That is the new Hep C treatment which begins in March.
I seem at the moment to be always ON DUTY in some invisible task. Tense and tight .
WTF is the matter with me ?
WTF shall I do ? TONIGHT. ONLY TONIGHT. Shower. Pyjamas. Facetime. Old Proverbial Recovery. Stop kicking and twisting and trying to escape this pain and unhappiness.
DO NOT THINK AHEAD EVEN AS FAR AS THE MORNING.