Some time this week, I may well go and see it.

Hey Iz, I didn’t think I would live to see that.  Jaybee is struggling to get another car but he sounds pretty good.  I am OK. Today, the Girls came and the 2 Nanas took them to the Lido and we swam and saw fishies and a blue swimmer crab. Its very hot weather and big storms have hit some of the other towns. I am riding the Pony but I am nervous. Its rubbish throw out and I have a pile out there and hope they will take it away.

I still get muddled. It doesn’t take very much to confuse me still and it takes quite a lot to excite me. Mostly the Little Ones, Iz. Mostly the Little Ones.

I hose the garden like some lost woman. I chat with neighbours and take out the Bins. None of it makes much sense to me. But I go on drug and alcohol free. I go on.

I cook dinner and eat it.  I wash plates and cutlery.

And I have a white hibiscus. It seems to me to be one of the loveliest things I have ever seen.

An Indigenous Approach to Healing Trauma

features21735An Indigenous Approach To Healing TraumaBy Jonathan Davis on Monday July 20th, 2015The Healing Power of Listening in StillnessPeople have always experienced pain, and in the vast span of time before the colonial expansion of western culture, indigenous cultures weren’t without their methods of dealing with trauma.For centuries we’ve largely ignored the wisdom of those among us who are still directly connected to ancestral ways of knowledge. As our modern lifestyle collides with the fact that our Earth is not capable of supporting our current way of life, we are finally starting to look to those who once lived in a state of indefinite sustainability and abundance, for a way forward.“In order to have sustainable community you have to make sure the people are sustainable. This means healing trauma.”– Jarmbi Githabul, Narakwal / Githabul CustodianWhat is Dadirri?“Dadirri is inner, deep listening and quiet, still awareness. Dadirri recognises the deep spring that is inside us. We call on it and it calls to us. This is the gift that Australia is thirsting for. It is something like what you call ‘contemplation’.”– Miriam-Rose Ungunmerr-Baumann, Ngangiwumirr Elder

Source: An Indigenous Approach to Healing Trauma

No, You Are Not an Hysterical Female, and This Is Not Just Anxiety

I am posting this one because i believe we all need to begin speaking up. Izzy was 57 kilos the day before he died. He also saw a doctor that day. He had seen several doctors over the time I knew him  and this was the final one who complimented him on his weight loss, his running and his diet whilst  ignored the hair falling out and the visible illness and sent him home.

The next morning he set off on his usual run and collapsed with a major heart attack and died in the Forest. The autopsy showed very advanced heart disease.

Izzy had been hospitalised for a night in 2008 with a suspected heart attack and had a mother die before the age of 50 from heart.




“He’s working with a med student shadowing him today. Do you mind being seen by her first?”In the spirit of education, I said, “No, of course not.”She had long strawberry blond hair and big glasses. We talked. “What brought you here today?” she asked. “Well, I was seen in the ER three weeks ago for a blood clot in my leg and they told me I needed to follow up.” I watched her write down “Deep Vein Thrombosis.””It wasn’t a deep vein thrombosis, but they did find a blood clot, and told me to follow up with you.”She marked out “Deep Vein Thrombosis” and led me through my recent history since the Bad Fall Onto My Head on November 1st: concussion, double vision, vertigo, blood clot, and now this follow up, which also added recent chest pains to the list.”Yes, a tight band of severe pain across my chest on the least exertion — going to get a cup a tea can cause it. Feels like your lungs feel in extreme cold when you have bronchitis and you take a deep breath. Significant pain and then I have to lie down for it to resolve.”The doctor came in after a bit and explained things more thoroughly with this new audience, teaching while not listening, rather than just not listening.

Source: No, You Are Not an Hysterical Female, and This Is Not Just Anxiety



In fact, I feel suck. The Kids move into their new house tomorrow which is greatly exciting. They built it themselves. But today – I am unhappy. I cannot even rally enough to practice the things I know work for me. Its been a very hot day. I am bored and lonely and facing my last bit of money before pension life begins in earnest and I am miserable about it. Not enough meetings. Assorted obligations which are confusing me. Dammit – I cannot raise even a smile or a joke today.

Even the good things are not impacting on me. I know they have happened but they are not cheering me up. Dare I write a gratitude list and ruin this itch of a mood ?

I am afraid of Life with the Money tight again. Afraid that I simply won’t get by.

I am afraid of being trapped here in Urunga without company or ways to travel about.

I am afraid of the lack of meetings and the difficulty in accessing them.

I am afraid of becoming ill again.

I was weak yesterday and today and slept for most of them.

Right then – that’s the fears.


And sometimes, still – I dry retch at going on without him.



Being able to go swimming.

Having my dinner brought to the door by a friend.

Having Gordo come and move the fridges and mow the lawns.

The Kids’ house being finished and ready to move into tomorrow.

Being given the motorised Pony so I can get about.

Spending some days at the Lido with the Kids.

Having Facetime with the Eden Kids.

Having my Beachshack.

And computer.

Getting lifts to meetings.


Iz once said to me when I was in a mood of this nature :

“You seem to have a lot of ‘what ifs’ for someone with long term recovery. “


I surely do. I am trapped in the GREAT WHAT IF.


Ali Cobby Eckermann 2 PELICANS

My friend was at the A & E, he wasn’t feeling good
I was at the barbecue, just like he said I should.
The phone call from the hospital shocks me with fear and fright –
‘You better come to ICU, he might not make it through the night.’

I stand silent at his bedside, he looks so dead already,
I try comforting his children as their lives become unsteady.
‘Please don’t go away,’ I whisper. ‘Don’t leave us behind.’
I pray then to my Ancestors, I ask them for a sign.

We sit all night like statues, on each side of his bed,
The thought of losing him is really fucking with my head!
The nursing staff fuss round with looks of deep regret.
But I was waiting for a sign that he won’t leave us yet.

The morning light creeps slowly across red desert sand
His eyelids flicker open and he fumbles for my hand.
‘Hello,’ he whispers, ‘how are you?’ and then falls back to sleep
My eyes stare at the monitors, the bips, the dots, the beeps.

‘He’s out of danger,’ the doctor says, ‘you should get some rest.’
And as I walked along Gap Road I look out to the west
2 pelicans fly overhead, floating on the breeze,
‘It’s the sign,’ I cry and thank the Spirits watching over me.

I return to the hospital, he is much stronger now
And the nursing staff all smiling as they too wonder how?
I share the story of the sign, the pelicans in the sky
We hold each others hands and smiles are in our eyes.

I drive out to Amoonguna to tell family he is right
I sit down with his Aunty, round the campfire, in the night
I ask her to explain the pelicans and the meaning of the sign
She laughs and whispers, ‘Arrangkwe just 2 pelicans in the sky!’

Poet’s Note: arrangkwe – (arrente word) means no, nothing, no-one



Bedtime now. AS so often happens after a good day, a sudden longing for him came over me. The wound was bumped and the heart bled again.

Some nights I fear the empty bed and the solo sleeping. I try to stay up late enough to be so weary that it don’t matter.

Ah, Izzy.  You would have loved today And I would have loved to share it with you. Time for bed, eh ? My side is  so much lower than yours because I have rarely used your side of our new mattress.

The littlest girl has spiralling curls  and she broke her arm. The plaster is off now and we went swimming in the Lido. The red head loves it there. She goes back to school tomorrow. She did very very well last year. And she loved it.

And Iz, Their house will be finished this weekend and they will finally move out of the shack and into their own home. They have used your Wide River sign at the back and front doors. I guess you are their Doorkeeper.

The Eden people are doing OK. They didn’t get up here for the Summer but I can have them on Facetime all weekend so I feel that I am part of their lives.

It is just you that is gone.  And I don’t always know what to do , anymore.




I am wondering whether or not I can live here without a car. So far it looks promising to me. I am going on instinct here because its the cars and the things around them that make me feel overburdened and unwell. Today’s pattern was : Dani gave me a lift to NA in Urunga and Kaybee and the Girls came down for a surprise visit and we went swimming . First one Clacker has been able to have at the beach since her arm was broken. I did a supermarket shop with them and stocked up. My Brother sent me a gift. A Mem Fox book called nellie bell.

I found that the supermarket does home deliveries so there is another thing working for me. Now I need to find a place to park the motorised Pony near the bus stops and work out timetable and bus stops in Bello.

I am re-designing my life so that it actually fits me.

I am re-designing my life the way I want to.  Kind of like IMM and their new house which he planned longtime and carefully and kept re-jigging and re-shaping and refining till the quality home that is to be finished this weekend was created and constructed.

I have been watching him closely and watching the Girls playing their parts as well as his friends and co-workers.

I am doing that with my Life.


Maybe a tip toe through the steps.

I am powerless over everything that has happened since June 21 2014. Over Izzy’s dying and all the stuff going. Over the Coma and its repercussions. Over EVERYTHING.

It has made my life unmanageable.


Which indeed has been happening in the same way as I have been getting restored to physical health.

STEP 3 – I make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.  Even the distance from my son and granddaughter. Even the Cars.

Sleep on that decision and think about the day which has just passed and which was just perfect.