Twenty-five years ago, I held my grandmother’s hand as she passed away. Two and half weeks ago, it was my mother’s hand that I held as she left our world.I was there for the last days of life with both my mother and grandmother, and in our time together, they spoke of things with a sadness and urgency that they never had before.
ITS Midnight. Today I had no car but it doesn’t matter. I am slowing. There were 20 people at tonight’s meeting and 2 birthdays. It did me the world of good. Today I was called by the Cataract Surgery Nurse and spoke with the Hep C nurse and she knew that adding the Spiractin clears the head because an encephalopy was developing. Why the hell did none of the Docs here know that ? Months and Years of the thinking blurring.
Its a strange and narrow path through all of this and lonely. I swing between grief and loss of Izzy and between my own illnesses and domestic life . Sometimes, I just want to sit and sob for a little. Tired and puzzled.
I take each of the days and savour it. Each delight. Each small richness.
I have decided to strip back and simplify. Be rid of caravan and one car and maybe even of two.
I think I am being asked to change even more – much as I would simply like to sit here in comfortable routine.
The message I came away from the Meeting with tonight was – JUST TRUST. Trust as you did at the Start. Take the damned Harvoni if guided to do so. Get the Cataract done if that’s how it works out. Go to Coffs Hep C clinic whether or not you want to.
Do without a car at all if it comes to that. JUST TRUST. JUST TRUST. I am beginning to think that some days of bus travel and some days on the Pony Shaz is lending me combined with walking and the lifts people give me might suit me very well.
Reduce the Load. Strip back.
Then, I can begin to plan my travels. On trains and coaches. Some planes. TO EDEN and to Mosman in Sydney.
To the Northern Places. Time to begin some planning.
Eye in January.
Harvoni in March.
Lets see what fits around that. Be rid of the Caravan and the Alfa. Leave the Astra with KB for now.
Should be OK. But I realise that I am afraid to sleep with Western medicine lurking all around me.
Afraid of the ghosts of the night.
no drumming of surf
one spider on the wall
Once, a famous artist was hired to put stained glass windows into a great cathedral. His eager young apprentice pleaded for the chance to design just one small window. The master artist feared an experiment on even a small window would prove costly, but the persistent young apprentice kept up his pleas. Finally, the master agreed that he could try his hand on one small window if he furnished his own materials and worked on his own time.
The enterprising apprentice began gathering bits of glass his master had discarded, and set to work. When the cathedral doors were open, people stood in groups before the small window, praising its delicate excellence.
Our lives are like this. If we take the time to gather together the moments and opportunities we too often discard and waste, we find we can weave them into something beautiful.
What can I make of moments I usually waste today?
NICE is not one of my fortes nor even a frequent inclination of mine. When my sister was dying from lung cancer, people marvelled at her dignity and grace and peacefulness. I knew then that it was unlikely I would ever achieve that.
But for a day or so – I am going to attempt the Feat of being Nice.
A kind of expression of gratitude for a happy week, good health and a clear head.
ACCEPTING OUR PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES
Our very first problem is to accept our present
circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the
people about us as they are. This is to adopt a
realistic humility without which no genuine advance can
even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to
that unflattering point of departure. This is an
exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice
every day of our lives. Provided we strenuously avoid
turning these realistic surveys of the facts of life
into unrealistic alibis for apathy or defeatism, they
can be the sure foundation upon which increased emotional
health and therefore spiritual progress can be built.
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 44