DIFFICULT DAYS

A KIND OF ROUGH PATCH AFTER SOME VERY GOOD DAYS.

In fact, I feel suck. The Kids move into their new house tomorrow which is greatly exciting. They built it themselves. But today – I am unhappy. I cannot even rally enough to practice the things I know work for me. Its been a very hot day. I am bored and lonely and facing my last bit of money before pension life begins in earnest and I am miserable about it. Not enough meetings. Assorted obligations which are confusing me. Dammit – I cannot raise even a smile or a joke today.

Even the good things are not impacting on me. I know they have happened but they are not cheering me up. Dare I write a gratitude list and ruin this itch of a mood ?

I am afraid of Life with the Money tight again. Afraid that I simply won’t get by.

I am afraid of being trapped here in Urunga without company or ways to travel about.

I am afraid of the lack of meetings and the difficulty in accessing them.

I am afraid of becoming ill again.

I was weak yesterday and today and slept for most of them.

Right then – that’s the fears.

_________

And sometimes, still – I dry retch at going on without him.

12628422_10153409187446342_8590629533515899562_o
URUNGA

AND THE GRATITUDE OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS.

Being able to go swimming.

Having my dinner brought to the door by a friend.

Having Gordo come and move the fridges and mow the lawns.

The Kids’ house being finished and ready to move into tomorrow.

Being given the motorised Pony so I can get about.

Spending some days at the Lido with the Kids.

Having Facetime with the Eden Kids.

Having my Beachshack.

And computer.

Getting lifts to meetings.

________________________________

Iz once said to me when I was in a mood of this nature :

“You seem to have a lot of ‘what ifs’ for someone with long term recovery. “

________________________________

I surely do. I am trapped in the GREAT WHAT IF.

12622320_10153409244936342_2978406646958639266_o
KOOKABURRA AT THE BEACH SHACK 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s