A KIND OF ROUGH PATCH AFTER SOME VERY GOOD DAYS.
In fact, I feel suck. The Kids move into their new house tomorrow which is greatly exciting. They built it themselves. But today – I am unhappy. I cannot even rally enough to practice the things I know work for me. Its been a very hot day. I am bored and lonely and facing my last bit of money before pension life begins in earnest and I am miserable about it. Not enough meetings. Assorted obligations which are confusing me. Dammit – I cannot raise even a smile or a joke today.
Even the good things are not impacting on me. I know they have happened but they are not cheering me up. Dare I write a gratitude list and ruin this itch of a mood ?
I am afraid of Life with the Money tight again. Afraid that I simply won’t get by.
I am afraid of being trapped here in Urunga without company or ways to travel about.
I am afraid of the lack of meetings and the difficulty in accessing them.
I am afraid of becoming ill again.
I was weak yesterday and today and slept for most of them.
Right then – that’s the fears.
And sometimes, still – I dry retch at going on without him.
AND THE GRATITUDE OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS.
Being able to go swimming.
Having my dinner brought to the door by a friend.
Having Gordo come and move the fridges and mow the lawns.
The Kids’ house being finished and ready to move into tomorrow.
Being given the motorised Pony so I can get about.
Spending some days at the Lido with the Kids.
Having Facetime with the Eden Kids.
Having my Beachshack.
Getting lifts to meetings.
Iz once said to me when I was in a mood of this nature :
“You seem to have a lot of ‘what ifs’ for someone with long term recovery. “
I surely do. I am trapped in the GREAT WHAT IF.