MY MEETINGS are too few and far between. I am becoming ill as a result. Tonight’s meeting was about SURRENDER. Absolute Surrender of absolutely everything. I visited the new House today and its a wonderful thing to see them in there.

But I chose to get a lift home early and I regret that.I was packed for a full day with them but was thrown by the car overheating again and a couple of other small things. I just feel that I didn’t do it very well.

So the Meeting became truly important to me. I had also done the Doctor and much as I like her, I came away feeling less than and old once more.

Don’t force solutions.


Daily Reflections


Characteristic of the so-called typical alcoholic is a narcissistic
egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent
on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity…. Inwardly the alcoholic
brooks no control from man or God. He, the alcoholic, is and must be
the master of his destiny. He will fight to the end to preserve that
A.A. COMES OF AGE, p.311

The great mystery is: “Why do some of us die alcoholic deaths,
fighting to preserve the ‘independence’ of our ego, while others seem
to sober up effortlessly in A.A.?” Help from a Higher Power, the gift of
sobriety, came to me when an otherwise unexplained desire to stop
drinking coincided with my willingness to accept the suggestions of
the men and women of A.A. I had to surrender, for only by reaching
out to God and my fellows could I be rescued.


So – I did not do today as well as I would have liked to. It doesn’t matter. I did stay clean and sober. I did do a meeting.  I ACCEPTED a lift to the meeting. I DO have my care plan for the physio so I can attend to that very soon. Astrid once told me that ” wellness come suddenly” so perhaps I am not as  lost as I feel. I have often experienced the seemingly sudden coming of Wellness when I had despaired of change coming.  Maybe I am not as useless and hopeless as I feel at this time. I just came across the reading below and perhaps it describes a lot of what is happening to me now. I am so focussed on FIXING MYSELF and on making things RIGHT FOR MY KIDS that I am drifting into a slight madness. I am running on self-will even though it doesn’t look like I am.

All I know is that when I feel this uncomfortable, when I am this disturbed and lacking in direction with so many things going wrong – all I know is that it means I am drifting away from that which keeps me alive and happy. Away from God’s will for me.  And I do not end up making life any better for the People that I love.


I am finding it a hard call to return to this place. To allow for whatever losses or changes it may involve.  To make the decisions from a different place entirely.

This is the reading I just came across. 

step 11


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