Its almost evening. Today I did things I normally enjoy. 3 of my most Beloveds were here and we were by the water but the bleakness is upon me. Must be 2 weeks since a meeting and the price tag on that is always high. I think the infection is still creeping around in my body and poisoning my thinking as well as my soul. I am close to weeping and losing hope.
I have been in Urunga in this state before. It is not an easy village to distract in. Very few shops and eateries and I am lonesome. Not many meetings. Without vehicles or family or Izzy, I am a trifle desperate.
I feel at times as though the Grieving is being stolen from me. The demands of daily life disturb me. Feeling Hope drain away is unpleasant. Very unpleasant. Losing the knack of reviving myself and my Spirits. That’s unpleasant.
Today , I had wispy thoughts of drinking and of being drugged. Whispers merely but not something I generally have to attend to. Now I do. Do not pick up today. There are meetings Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in Urunga. Pray HARD. Eat. Chat. Go the meetings regardless of what ClincC thinks is important.
Twice I was told in the Hospital that I was hard on myself but it seems to me that the World is harder on me than I am.
This is A MOOD. This will PASS.
Now I shall do Facetime with Eden and work on THE OLD PROVERBIAL RECOVERY.
Well there you go ! A knock at the door and the young man next door asked whether he could rent the caravan for himself to sleep in whilst his girl is in the Garage flat. I think YES. Unsolicited blessing just knocked at my door.
A little extra money and company and support. PLUS help sorting the books etc which had been troubling me. Turns out he works at Bellorana which is the old folks’ hostel I have been considering. With Kish and Mouna and Co. That has changed my mood just a little. He is a trained carer. Just what I need.
There are two guys sitting together in a bar in the remote Alaskan wilderness. One of the men is very religious and the other man is an atheist.
Eventually the conversation turns to God and the atheist says to the devout man, “Look, it’s not like I don’t have actual reasons for not believing in God—I even experimented with the whole God-prayer thing. Just last month, I was far out on the tundra and I got trapped in a big blizzard. I could not see a thing and I was so lost. And so I tried God. I got on my knees and I prayed, “God, if there is a God, I’m going to die out here, please help me get back to camp.”
So in the bar, the religious man looks at the atheist and says, “Well for heaven’s sake, you must believe; here you are! You’re alive!”
But the atheist rolls his eyes at the religious man and sighs and says, “No man, all that happened was that some Eskimos came along and showed me the way back to camp.”