I SEEM TO HAVE SLIPPED INTO ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT. A willingness to do the things I need to do has come and some of the shame and fighting has vanished.
Today I followed the PLANS which have been put in place and stopped kicking at the goads. There are enough people to tell me that I need to keep fighting, keep struggling in the way that people do in these times but I have never done well by following that path. It reminds me of Izzy doggedly going on his runs which in the end killed him
Total surrender has always worked for me once I truly reach it. It got me to Detox and thence Recovery. It got me out of Sydney in 1994 and brought me home. Its done a lot for me.
First step – I am powerless over the sickness, the grief and everything involved with them. Sanity is kicking in and allowing me to collapse. To accept Meals on Wheels and get some nourishment.
To have the Community Nurses put me on the Chronic Illness plan and work towards Relapse Prevention.
To allow the Cleaner to help me restore the Shack to order.
My week has been filled with kindly people. Encouraging and gentle people. Including my own Girls. Done with the Harsh People.
I followed through with those plans today instead of kicking and struggling and the day went smoothly. I ride on the Pony. I accept that for now I live a small life in a small town and am at Rehab level without any knowledge about where it will lead me. Same as at the very start in 1987. I do have a lump on my leg tonight and pain again in left side and back. I think I have come to accept that this, like addiction, is a lifetime deal.
. . . out of every season of grief or suffering, when
the hand of God seemed heavy or even unjust, new lessons
for living were learned, new resources of courage were
uncovered, and that finally, inescapably, the conviction
came that God does “move in a mysterious way His wonders
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 105