I’m losing my expectations. I expected to be very different here. I expected great progress to be made… to be more meditative. I thought great things would happen to me, but I feel, if anything, that I have more bad habits, more problems. In fact bad habits I haven’t had for three, four years, have come again. I feel those expectations are going to go if I can drop them, and maybe I can.“This is the great thing that has happened that you are ready to drop the expectation. That is the greatest thing that can happen to a person, the greatest progress that can be made. The human mind is so stupid, it goes on expecting. It exists through expectations. It is a great moment if you can really drop all expectations. And when all expectations are dropped, then anything that you have repressed in the past will come back. You call them bad habits. Your very word, the choice of the word, says that you must have repressed them. You may not have been able to accept them, so you rejected them.Now when expectations are falling and you are becoming natural, all those rejected, disclaimed parts will again claim. They would like to be absorbed in your being. They are yours. You have been trying to forget them. You have been throwing them into the basement but now, when you are becoming natural, they will say ‘Let us also come back home.’ So please don’t call them bad any more, otherwise you will again repress them.
GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE STATE I AM IN. Lordie Lordie. I would like to inspire you or me with something but I am so fucked. I guess that if I just keep going into the descent or flatline – I will come to someplace or another. I don’t just want the old life patched up so lets see what happens as these ghastly days pass through me.
I do hear a wee tiny voice pointing out the blessing of being in the shack and having my internet work. A wee tiny voice that is flickering with the fatigue and pain and fear – but still flies a little flag of Spirit. Maybe soon I shall be able to see properly again and focus and my eye won’t hurt so much. Maybe soon, I shall be less fatigued.
Maybe something or someone will meet precisely the next need that I have in order to cross the next wee open sewage trough.
SOME MIND RE-PROGRAMMING – AGAIN. How weary it becomes. My Suzzi who has now passed away from Cancer. Well she was an American with a brilliant mind and sizzling personality and she lived on a Multiple Occupancy under Mt Warning.
One major recovery anniversary, while everyone was patting me on the back – she acknowledged the years and years of refusing to pick up – of struggling through. I see her smile this evening.
And the strangest thought has come to me – WHAT IF I AM NOT IN TROUBLE ? WHAT IF I HAVEN’T BEEN WRONG ALL THESE YEARS ? WHAT IF THIS CHANGE IS A GOOD CHANGE ?
Arkue thought so last night. Suzzi would have thought so. Liss thinks so. Maybe I am just ill, tired out, grief stricken.
Maybe just breathing all through another day will prove to be enough and maybe more than enough.
LA GRANDE TRISTESSE.