A HORRIFYING PROSPECT.

lynne cam
WEBCAM 1 APRIL 2016

GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE STATE I AM IN. Lordie Lordie. I would like to inspire you or me with something but I am so fucked. I guess that if I just keep going into the descent or flatline – I will come to someplace or another. I don’t just want the old life patched up so lets see what happens as these ghastly days pass through me.

I do hear a  wee tiny voice pointing out the blessing of being in the shack and having my internet work. A wee tiny voice that is flickering with the fatigue and pain and fear – but still flies a little flag of Spirit. Maybe soon I shall be able to see properly again and focus and my eye won’t hurt so much. Maybe soon, I shall be less fatigued.

Maybe something or someone will meet precisely the next need that I have in order to cross the next wee open sewage trough.

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PELICAN OVER THE LAGOON

SOME MIND RE-PROGRAMMING – AGAIN. How weary it becomes. My Suzzi who has now passed away from Cancer. Well she was an American with a brilliant mind and sizzling personality and she lived on a Multiple Occupancy under Mt Warning.

One major recovery anniversary, while everyone was patting me on the back – she acknowledged the years and years of refusing to pick up – of struggling through. I see her smile this evening.

And the strangest thought has come to me – WHAT IF I AM NOT IN TROUBLE ? WHAT IF I HAVEN’T BEEN WRONG ALL THESE YEARS ? WHAT IF THIS CHANGE IS A GOOD CHANGE ?

Arkue thought so last night.  Suzzi would have thought so. Liss thinks so.  Maybe I am just ill, tired out, grief stricken.

Maybe just breathing all through another day will prove to be enough and maybe more than enough.

LA GRANDE TRISTESSE.

step 11lori

 

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