GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE STATE I AM IN. Lordie Lordie. I would like to inspire you or me with something but I am so fucked. I guess that if I just keep going into the descent or flatline – I will come to someplace or another. I don’t just want the old life patched up so lets see what happens as these ghastly days pass through me.
I do hear a wee tiny voice pointing out the blessing of being in the shack and having my internet work. A wee tiny voice that is flickering with the fatigue and pain and fear – but still flies a little flag of Spirit. Maybe soon I shall be able to see properly again and focus and my eye won’t hurt so much. Maybe soon, I shall be less fatigued.
Maybe something or someone will meet precisely the next need that I have in order to cross the next wee open sewage trough.
SOME MIND RE-PROGRAMMING – AGAIN. How weary it becomes. My Suzzi who has now passed away from Cancer. Well she was an American with a brilliant mind and sizzling personality and she lived on a Multiple Occupancy under Mt Warning.
One major recovery anniversary, while everyone was patting me on the back – she acknowledged the years and years of refusing to pick up – of struggling through. I see her smile this evening.
And the strangest thought has come to me – WHAT IF I AM NOT IN TROUBLE ? WHAT IF I HAVEN’T BEEN WRONG ALL THESE YEARS ? WHAT IF THIS CHANGE IS A GOOD CHANGE ?
Arkue thought so last night. Suzzi would have thought so. Liss thinks so. Maybe I am just ill, tired out, grief stricken.
Maybe just breathing all through another day will prove to be enough and maybe more than enough.
LA GRANDE TRISTESSE.