I LIKE the era we seem to be moving into better than I have liked the self-centred , wishy washy, polite, “inspirational” era that I hope we are moving out of. I was not designed for it.
The articles I have been finding have more depth, more guts than what I have been seeing for a decade or more.
I have felt the pressure internally and externally to BE INSPIRING. To find a way through this. I don’t even like the ” LIFE IS A JOURNEY “. shit. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe there is nothing inspirational to be found in this time of my life. Maybe its just a Bummer.
I have definitely felt the pressure to ” cheer up “. To move on to the “next stage”. To “handle” things.
I think of Him. I think of ME – the ME that was. I think of money and hatred and distress.
Many days I simply go through them. Sleep as much as I can.
Many days – I know that whether or not I survive this is not yet decided.
ENVY flies through me and Rage. I try to pay attention to the small good things – just so that I can stay sane . Its like early Recovery in the late 80s was. A tight discipline on the mind to prevent raving madness. This time I am not in a Mental Hospital – but I am close. I surely have been in hospital a few times.
I don’t know what you say about times like these. I do know that the placatory rubbish does not work. Some days I still almost vomit. Some days I can see him lying there on the road. Gone.
And other times, the sheer horror of being alone out at Raleigh and vomiting blood for hour after hour till ringing 000 seemed like the only thing I could do and I did. I didn’t even know I was as sick as I was. And then hearing a doctor say – you have 12 1/2 minutes of life left. Then waking up and finding out that weeks had passed. Tubes and needles and thins all over me.
It seems like so much has gone bad since June 21 2014, that the pit is bottomless.
I have been a little surprised at how much is expected of the one remaining and how quickly. At the expectation of a return to . not normal, but at least a condition which does not disturb the ones around too much. And certainly the Straight World has failed me once more. And not just me. Inept. Inefficient. Regulated by formulae that don’t work.
So – here I am. Sitting with heater on. Shedding possessions. No idea at all about what happens from here. About where I will go nor what I will do. Not knowing whether or not my body or mind will fail me.
Tonight is pleasant. I have eaten well and talked long and rested much. I have a book to read and am getting the knack of Netflix. Good as it gets sometimes. Good as it gets.