BEST I challenge myself to some serious cultivation of grateful thinking for a little while.

BEST I use images to do it because they speak most clearly to me.

The first one is BIRTHDAYS. Since Izzy’s death and my Coma, I have had 2 more years of BIRTHDAYS. Our redhead loved her cake from the Cheesecake Shop in Coffs Harbour – and I was there to help her choose it. I have seen the little girls grow 2 seasons each.

That was not going to happen. Remember this, Lynne. Remember this.

I have GRANDCHILDREN and I have held babies. And today I went shopping with the 3 year old and her Mum. Come on Girl, claw your way back from the cesspit once more and think about the BABIES and the CHILDREN.


Day done. Jules back from long holiday which meant a lift to the Urunga AA meeting. It was cold but it was excellent.



I am seriously in need of divine intervention of some kind. Each day is pretty grim and dammit – I am trying.

One long talk with RQ. A brief Messenger exchange with Kathy E who lost her husband to Cancer and maybe I can sleep.

I had pizza and it was good.

RQ says that she believes I am still here because my Girl would NOT let me go. My 2 kids were pretty amazing.



Every night you will go to bed and there will be nightmares . And every day when you wake up it will be the first thing you think of – then one day – it will be the second thing.

Spader in Blacklist

Still the Fatigue. Days drifting by half awake – half asleep. I had a far better night but today the neck and eye hurt again and the nose clots with blood and the Fatigue. No matter. No matter at all. Some Netflix. Some pottering and then bed again. It is cold.


This is still a world that is strange to me. The entire re-arrangement is strange. When I was in the Coma, I “dreamed” of Aboriginal Matters. Of Dancing with the Family on the Macleay. Of travelling North with my son and a group of young doctors who were saving me. My son was dressed in black pants and white shirt and he was an artist. Me – I was being sent back as an Elder. ” Bring Elderhood back with you ” they said. I don’t seem to have been able to do that much – as yet.

I am a little surprised at how little patience and understanding there are with someone in the circumstances I am in. I don’t mean from the ordinary people , so much, as from THEM – the people one thinks exist for emergencies. I don’t know why I expected it when my entire life has proven otherwise – except for the time in rehab and with Langton Clinic.

I have still been fighting – seemingly to survive but really I am still fighting as if I have some power in all of this. Gradually, gradually – I am being worn down to simply living through a day – almost without “thinking”. Almost without Dreams. Without Expectations.

I truly have but minimal idea of what I am learning or being taught. The container of Me is still being emptied.



A Day at Bellingen
I come rowing back on the mauve creek, and there’s a
daylight moon
among the shabby trees,
above the scratchy swamp oaks
and through the wrecked houses of the paperbarks;
a half moon
drifting up beside me like a jelly fish.
Now the reflected water becomes, momentarily, white—
magnesium burning.
My oars
have paused, held in their hailing
are melting;
and the long water is a dove-grey rippled sand.
A dark bird hurries
low in a straight line silently overhead.
The navy-blue air, with faint underlighting;
Has gauze veil hung up within it, or a moist fresh
I land in the bottom of an empty paddock,
at a dark palisade
of saplings…
(Gray 1998, 126)

There’s Robert Gray: doing what he does like no one else, this coastal pastoral, with its echoes of Gerard Manley Hopkins and the Zen masters; there he goes, stilling time, slowing it, at least, to the pace of a dinghy on dark water at dusk. There is his palette: dove-grey, mauve, magnesium white, navy blue. There are some of his motifs: the daylight moon, the saplings, the dark bird in flight, the rowboat, the hanging smoke. There is nature’s “wrecked house.” And there on the shore are the empty paddocks his voice grew up in.



The nights continue with pain, nightmares and wakefulness, SUX. The days are easier but very very weak. I got up and packed a hospital bag because the night was so bad but as the day passed, It eased off. Told my girl that things has been rather grim.

Later in the day Dani offered to take me to Bello NA and I said yes. That sent the Kids into a spin when they tried to contact me and I received a full on lecture from my Girl for not letting them know where I was.

Things are OK now. Heater on and Facetime with Eden. Another meeting and for now the blurring insanity has passed. Mind you, I have become afraid of bedtime and the wild nights.

I found the Harvoni articles interesting. It was what I thought might happen. I shall keep watching for a while.

And now. Pottering and Facetiming.

Harvoni and Depression


OverviewIf you’ve been diagnosed with hepatitis C, you likely know that it’s a liver infection caused by a virus. Your doctor may have suggested treatment with a drug called Harvoni. This exciting new medication is a single tablet that contains two drugs: ledipasvir and sofosbuvir. It’s taken by mouth just once per day. Harvoni can cure hepatitis C in most patients in 12 weeks. Previous hepatitis C treatments took longer, required several tablets and injections, had lower cure rates, and caused more severe side effects.Harvoni seems to cause few side effects, and the ones it does cause tend to be mild. But because Harvoni is so new, we’re still learning about its side effects. One new side effect that doctors are hearing more about lately is depression. Here’s what we know today about Harvoni and depression.AdvertisementPart 2 of 4: Harvoni and depressionCan Harvoni cause depression?This seems to be true. Recently, warnings about mood changes such as irritability or depression were added to Harvoni’s drug label. The warnings were added after new reports cited these mood changes in Harvoni patients. It’s not clear yet what leads to these side effects, but we do know about a few potential causes.For one thing, depression may be linked to bradycardia, one of Harvoni’s side effects. Bradycardia is a slowing of your heart rate. It’s less common than most of Harvoni’s other side effects, but it’s more serious.Bradycardia symptoms can include:tirednessfeeling faint or lightheadedshortness of breathchest painsconfusionThese side effects combined with symptoms of hepatitis C, such as feeling tired and ill, could make you feel depressed.Also, the drug sofosbuvir has been linked with serious depression or thoughts of suicide in rare cases. Sofosbuvir is one of the drugs in Harvoni. It’s not clear whether sofosbuvir itself causes depression. This is because it’s typically used with other hepatitis C drugs, such as interferon and ribavirin. These two drugs are known to cause depression, so they may be the cause of that side effect in patients taking sofosbuvir.Part 3 of 4: When to talk to your doctorHarvoni, depression, and youIf you decide to try Harvoni, talk with your doctor about your risk of depression. They should have the latest information about the drug’s effects, including reports from clinical trials. Also, be sure to talk about your medical history. Discuss any past problems you’ve had with depression, especially if you’ve been treated before for hepatitis C.If you do take Harvoni and have depression or thoughts of suicide, call your doctor right away or go to the nearest emergency room. And don’t take the herbal supplement called St. John’s wort. Some people use it to self-treat their depression. But St. John’s wort can increase Harvoni’s side effects, including depression. If you use Harvoni and St. John’s wort together, it could make your depression worse.Detailed information: Harvoni side effects, dosage, warnings, and more »Part 4 of 4: TakeawayPharmacist’s takeaway adviceIf you have concerns about depression or a history of depression, talk with your doctor. They can help you decide if Harvoni is the best treatment option for your hepatitis C. And if needed, they can help you find a depression treatment plan that works for you.

Source: Harvoni and Depression



I do believe the worst of that attack might be over although I won’t know until I try bed. Nonetheless, the nausea and diahrroea have passed  and the neck pain is reduced. I don’t feel quite so breathless nor so weak as I did and the sheer fevered madness of yesterday and much of today has passed. Being crook sux.

Today, Clarz got onto the middle of the road looking for Kaybee who was in a shop. That makes my blood run cold. She was screaming for her mum and all the cars were bipping their horns.

I spent the evening on Facetime with Eden and that comforts me. Some laughter and some simple happiness. An easing of the loneliness.

I am somewhat better.