SOME SERIOUS GRATEFUL THINKING

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BEST I challenge myself to some serious cultivation of grateful thinking for a little while.

BEST I use images to do it because they speak most clearly to me.

The first one is BIRTHDAYS. Since Izzy’s death and my Coma, I have had 2 more years of BIRTHDAYS. Our redhead loved her cake from the Cheesecake Shop in Coffs Harbour – and I was there to help her choose it. I have seen the little girls grow 2 seasons each.

That was not going to happen. Remember this, Lynne. Remember this.

I have GRANDCHILDREN and I have held babies. And today I went shopping with the 3 year old and her Mum. Come on Girl, claw your way back from the cesspit once more and think about the BABIES and the CHILDREN.

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Day done. Jules back from long holiday which meant a lift to the Urunga AA meeting. It was cold but it was excellent.

ONE MORE MEETING. ONE MORE DAY. AND HOME DELIVERY PIZZA.

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SHIRT GIVEN TO ME BY J.B. ON THE GOLD COAST. 

I am seriously in need of divine intervention of some kind. Each day is pretty grim and dammit – I am trying.

One long talk with RQ. A brief Messenger exchange with Kathy E who lost her husband to Cancer and maybe I can sleep.

I had pizza and it was good.

RQ says that she believes I am still here because my Girl would NOT let me go. My 2 kids were pretty amazing.

THINKING

 

Every night you will go to bed and there will be nightmares . And every day when you wake up it will be the first thing you think of – then one day – it will be the second thing.


Spader in Blacklist

Still the Fatigue. Days drifting by half awake – half asleep. I had a far better night but today the neck and eye hurt again and the nose clots with blood and the Fatigue. No matter. No matter at all. Some Netflix. Some pottering and then bed again. It is cold.

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This is still a world that is strange to me. The entire re-arrangement is strange. When I was in the Coma, I “dreamed” of Aboriginal Matters. Of Dancing with the Family on the Macleay. Of travelling North with my son and a group of young doctors who were saving me. My son was dressed in black pants and white shirt and he was an artist. Me – I was being sent back as an Elder. ” Bring Elderhood back with you ” they said. I don’t seem to have been able to do that much – as yet.

I am a little surprised at how little patience and understanding there are with someone in the circumstances I am in. I don’t mean from the ordinary people , so much, as from THEM – the people one thinks exist for emergencies. I don’t know why I expected it when my entire life has proven otherwise – except for the time in rehab and with Langton Clinic.

I have still been fighting – seemingly to survive but really I am still fighting as if I have some power in all of this. Gradually, gradually – I am being worn down to simply living through a day – almost without “thinking”. Almost without Dreams. Without Expectations.

I truly have but minimal idea of what I am learning or being taught. The container of Me is still being emptied.

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THE FAIRY PATH TO THE BEACH SHACK

JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL MORE CONTENT.

A Day at Bellingen
I come rowing back on the mauve creek, and there’s a
daylight moon
among the shabby trees,
above the scratchy swamp oaks
and through the wrecked houses of the paperbarks;
a half moon
drifting up beside me like a jelly fish.
Now the reflected water becomes, momentarily, white—
magnesium burning.
My oars
have paused, held in their hailing
stance—
are melting;
and the long water is a dove-grey rippled sand.
A dark bird hurries
low in a straight line silently overhead.
The navy-blue air, with faint underlighting;
Has gauze veil hung up within it, or a moist fresh
Smoke.
I land in the bottom of an empty paddock,
at a dark palisade
of saplings…
(Gray 1998, 126)

There’s Robert Gray: doing what he does like no one else, this coastal pastoral, with its echoes of Gerard Manley Hopkins and the Zen masters; there he goes, stilling time, slowing it, at least, to the pace of a dinghy on dark water at dusk. There is his palette: dove-grey, mauve, magnesium white, navy blue. There are some of his motifs: the daylight moon, the saplings, the dark bird in flight, the rowboat, the hanging smoke. There is nature’s “wrecked house.” And there on the shore are the empty paddocks his voice grew up in.

http://www.marktredinnick.com.au/index.php/writing/more/under_the_mountains_and_beside_a_creek/

ACCIDENTALLY SCARED MY DAUGHTER

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The nights continue with pain, nightmares and wakefulness, SUX. The days are easier but very very weak. I got up and packed a hospital bag because the night was so bad but as the day passed, It eased off. Told my girl that things has been rather grim.

Later in the day Dani offered to take me to Bello NA and I said yes. That sent the Kids into a spin when they tried to contact me and I received a full on lecture from my Girl for not letting them know where I was.

Things are OK now. Heater on and Facetime with Eden. Another meeting and for now the blurring insanity has passed. Mind you, I have become afraid of bedtime and the wild nights.

I found the Harvoni articles interesting. It was what I thought might happen. I shall keep watching for a while.

And now. Pottering and Facetiming.

Harvoni and Depression

nice nanaand THEY WONDER WHY I HAVE BEEN CAUTIOUS ABOUT THIS ” MIRACLE DRUG ?”

OverviewIf you’ve been diagnosed with hepatitis C, you likely know that it’s a liver infection caused by a virus. Your doctor may have suggested treatment with a drug called Harvoni. This exciting new medication is a single tablet that contains two drugs: ledipasvir and sofosbuvir. It’s taken by mouth just once per day. Harvoni can cure hepatitis C in most patients in 12 weeks. Previous hepatitis C treatments took longer, required several tablets and injections, had lower cure rates, and caused more severe side effects.Harvoni seems to cause few side effects, and the ones it does cause tend to be mild. But because Harvoni is so new, we’re still learning about its side effects. One new side effect that doctors are hearing more about lately is depression. Here’s what we know today about Harvoni and depression.AdvertisementPart 2 of 4: Harvoni and depressionCan Harvoni cause depression?This seems to be true. Recently, warnings about mood changes such as irritability or depression were added to Harvoni’s drug label. The warnings were added after new reports cited these mood changes in Harvoni patients. It’s not clear yet what leads to these side effects, but we do know about a few potential causes.For one thing, depression may be linked to bradycardia, one of Harvoni’s side effects. Bradycardia is a slowing of your heart rate. It’s less common than most of Harvoni’s other side effects, but it’s more serious.Bradycardia symptoms can include:tirednessfeeling faint or lightheadedshortness of breathchest painsconfusionThese side effects combined with symptoms of hepatitis C, such as feeling tired and ill, could make you feel depressed.Also, the drug sofosbuvir has been linked with serious depression or thoughts of suicide in rare cases. Sofosbuvir is one of the drugs in Harvoni. It’s not clear whether sofosbuvir itself causes depression. This is because it’s typically used with other hepatitis C drugs, such as interferon and ribavirin. These two drugs are known to cause depression, so they may be the cause of that side effect in patients taking sofosbuvir.Part 3 of 4: When to talk to your doctorHarvoni, depression, and youIf you decide to try Harvoni, talk with your doctor about your risk of depression. They should have the latest information about the drug’s effects, including reports from clinical trials. Also, be sure to talk about your medical history. Discuss any past problems you’ve had with depression, especially if you’ve been treated before for hepatitis C.If you do take Harvoni and have depression or thoughts of suicide, call your doctor right away or go to the nearest emergency room. And don’t take the herbal supplement called St. John’s wort. Some people use it to self-treat their depression. But St. John’s wort can increase Harvoni’s side effects, including depression. If you use Harvoni and St. John’s wort together, it could make your depression worse.Detailed information: Harvoni side effects, dosage, warnings, and more »Part 4 of 4: TakeawayPharmacist’s takeaway adviceIf you have concerns about depression or a history of depression, talk with your doctor. They can help you decide if Harvoni is the best treatment option for your hepatitis C. And if needed, they can help you find a depression treatment plan that works for you.

Source: Harvoni and Depression

SOMEWHAT BETTER

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I do believe the worst of that attack might be over although I won’t know until I try bed. Nonetheless, the nausea and diahrroea have passed  and the neck pain is reduced. I don’t feel quite so breathless nor so weak as I did and the sheer fevered madness of yesterday and much of today has passed. Being crook sux.

Today, Clarz got onto the middle of the road looking for Kaybee who was in a shop. That makes my blood run cold. She was screaming for her mum and all the cars were bipping their horns.

I spent the evening on Facetime with Eden and that comforts me. Some laughter and some simple happiness. An easing of the loneliness.

I am somewhat better.

BACK COME THE MEMORIES

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SUNSET 25 MAY 2016

http://mybeautifulbrokenbrain.com/

My Beautiful Broken Brain is a profoundly personal voyage into the complexity, fragility and wonder of the human brain, after Lotje Sodderland miraculously survives a hemorrhagic stroke and finds herself starting again in an alien world, bereft of language and logic. 

This feature documentary takes us on a genre-twisting tale that is by turns excruciating and exquisite – from the devastating consequences of a first-time neurological experiment, through to the extraordinary revelations of her altered sensory perception.

This girl recorded her story because she didn’t want it to get lost.

That’s what my endless photographing is and my blogging and Facebooking. IN 1987, I fried my brain and that took a very long time to – well not to recover from – but a long time to find a way to live with what I had become from alcohol and drug brain damage. I had also experienced a Near Death Experience – maybe in 1985 or 1986. I am glad of that because I have lived with brain damage and short term memory loss and other side effects as well. I have known for many years that I had become different from other people. I had also learned to run a home and raise children and even teach school – but always affected by what was my Brain.

I think intellectually that this helped this time but emotionally it introduced fear and despair and dread. I wasn’t quite expecting that.

The truly dreadful thing  has been the almost zero effective support from Professionals. Each has treated me separately for their own specialised area. So the Hep Cs focus on that and the Aged Care attribute everything to ageing and so on. The weakness to my ” morbid obesity” . Inside of me I know that many of the things I have experienced have come in connection with the Coma and the Sepsis.  FULL STOP.

And then, when I “woke up”, it was to paralysis and inability to speak and confusion. It was to knowing that Izzy was dead.That I would somehow have to look after myself . Get someplace safe to live. Somehow cope with a full life and all of its commitments as well as to grieve.

I don’t want to write about all of this.

I don’t want to think about it – but I also do not wish to remain as I am now.  Way back in the 1980s I got the help that I needed.  Here in 2016, I have NOT. And I HATE them for it.

From way back in the 1980s, I already knew about organisational skills and planning and some other matters. I knew that I would often not recall what I had for breakfast. I knew that – I needed to form a very simple life if I were to be able to manage it at all.

This time, I woke up to a life that was rather complex because I had been fortunate enough to share 7-8 years with Izzy and he handled the areas which are not my strengths – the ones which my brain won’t do. CANNOT DO. I knew that I needed the $30,000 from his Super because I was going to be unable to function very effectively until I had established new routines.

NOW – I am down on money and its difficult because my fear of making mistakes has increased because once again the consequences of a “mistake” can be severe.

I go on in this strange world. With EVERYTHING affected and only my fronts seemingly keeping me ” safe”.

I sleep all day and wander the Shack at Night. Sometimes I can read and sometimes I cannot. Sometimes, I can think clearly and sometimes , I cannot.

You know what ! I have done a bloody good job so far when one takes in all the aspects of these two years !!!!!

SO HERE I AM. Still getting to know the ME who exists now. Still working out what SHE can do and not do. What suits her. What does not suit her.

The mere fact that there is, most of the time, noone who truly knows what its like – does not negate my own experience .

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LYNNE 25 MAY 2016

I have more things to dispose of. I am settling in to a knowing of who I am now. I am not aiming for very much. The next thing in my life – well – well – as usual it will not be of the ordinary world. I do not have what one needs to live in that world.

I speak of “THEY” quite often. By that I refer to Authorities and Party Lines and Common Thought which does not work for me.

Lotje : ” IT JUST TAKES A VERY LONG TIME TO GET USED TO A NEW BRAIN. “

I STILL have the eye ache and neck ache. Weeks and weeks. It makes days and moreso night very difficult.

Other than that – it is an interesting time. One day I shall write about what I saw and was taught in the Coma. Now I had best stop and go back to playing because my eye begins to hurt and my brain MUDDLES.