I DO believe I have lost the next battle – the one against grief. The one to stay alive. I have been in this position several times in my recovery. Where I HATE my life. Hate the things I am doing. Hate the only options I see before me. I was like this just before leaving Sydney in 1993. I was like this in the Aframe and just before I went to Armidale and I was like this at Tugun.
And I am like it now – beaten and smashed. But older and more damaged and even more heartbroken.
The next battle is lost. I am beaten.
I wanted to cheer up because I was afraid of driving everyone out of my life but now I don’t care.
I wanted to come good and show that Recovery works – but now I don’t care.
I remember my sister saying to me in those last months – ” Well, my kids are just going to have to live whatever life they have to live. ” She knew she would not be there.
I wanted to get my act together so that Life was Liveable – but I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. And therefore it is not liveable at all. It Sux.
There is a handful of people I hate just now. I’m not saying who they are because likely there is at least one more perspective – but for today – I hate them. I hate them for not looking after their loved ones. For their greed. For their cruelty and harshness to the sick and wounded. I hate them – that’s all I am saying.
And I hate his being dead. I hate it. I hate being alone. I hate the smashing of all the dreams and the way of life we were living. It don’t matter what I do – nothing gets sorted out. Its a mess. Its lonely. Its boring. Its pointless and its very hard work.
I don’t see a way back from here. I wanted to go to Mt Tamborine again and down to the Snow this Winter.
I wanted to go to more gigs and hear him sing.
I wanted to life beside him of a night and I wanted to see Adelaide.
I was not afraid with him and now I am worried all the time again like I was for so many years.
I wanted to go to Carool and Coolangatta and I wanted to go on living with someone with whom I didn’t need to translate anything. Who didn’t know whether I was 30 or 60 or 80.
I wanted to have some physical strength and be able to walk and lift things.
My life at the moment is filled with things I didn’t want and devoid of things I did want. It don’t leave much in the Middle.