WITH cousins and dogs. These are the delights which keep me going. Clarz is usually afraid of dogs but she liked this curly haired pair. I know a lot of good and kind people. We had a simple lunch and enjoyed another day in the New House.
But I have stopped loving Life. God knows I try – but I have stopped loving Life. I prepare all the time for disappointment now. For the visits that don’t come and the people that aren’t there. I hear the Idiots and Fools – and I have stopped loving Life. My nights are tormented. Pain wakes me and dark lonely hours.
I see others come good. One friend in China and my niece with a partner and baby. They had deaths and loss and now they have good things – but I no longer believe that any of it will come to me.
The camera AND THE INTERNET and the grandkids are just about all that have me glued together. Everything else is too complex. Even my profound love for my own kids confuses and confounds me. I feel like I ask too much of them and fail them.
So I take photos. Allow the irresistible love of the small children to warm me and I draw the blinds and close the doors and hide. Even meetings are only short term comfort and shallow. They maybe keep me breathing another day is all.
As long as I look at life through a lens , I stay sane.
Today I totally forgot the eye specialist appointment. I am bone weary of keeping appointments and bills and affairs in order and I plain forgot. I find that funny. I simply do NOT forget things. Now I can give myself permission to forget – at last. I couldn’t before because I thought I may have been losing my marbles. I was afraid to forget in case I fell apart completely and I have noone to look after me. Only the clutches of the Old People’s world which is appalling.
I looked at the granny flat today. I am still thinking of it. Wondering what life in Bellingen would be like. Its just a pathway from the Kids and maybe then I could travel more easily and even go out. I don’t know as yet. I might do a basic recovery thing here and speak to an OSM. Di in Iluka. I shall ask her advice.
But , today, I was busy and I FORGOT about the eye specialist . And I do not care. That is a very good feeling. Haven’t paid for Meals on Wheels either and my lawn is growing and I don’t care. I have become ill from caring.
Tonight , I am happy enough and I might get a night without pain.