I am having a run of difficult nights. Restless and with that neck still hurting. Not easy nights at all. I would prefer to be asleep by now because its round about now that the thoughts come.Its round about now that I go into the Horrors. Its round about now that I see the rat poo and spiderwebs from all the months of neglect.
These are the Hours of seeing him beside the Road.
These are the Hours of realising how sorrowful a time it has been for all of us. For the times when my Kids must have been around my bed in ICU not knowing what the outcome would be.
And then they sent me home – home to the empty house where Iz and me lived. Home when I was unfit to be home.
It has been Hell. It is still purgatory. Especially in the Nighttimes when I try to sleep. I sleep a little and then waken. I get up and make a bed on the floor of the living room. I try to read and maybe drink a glass of water. But the Night goes on and on.
Just when I am really tired and really haunted. These are the Hours when I would like to sleep with him , when I used to feel safe and free of the weariness of impoverished single woman – the Poverty which has woven its way into the core of my being since 1987 onwards. Gee, I’m tired of it.