The night is late and the midnight train passed. I hear the trains ac ross the ovals and the surf out the side windows. Tonight is quiet and I am becoming accustomed to the aloneness. I am less accustomed to the going out now. Less at ease with people.

There is no longer a day without a fear of dying. Sometimes, the merest whisper of worry or confusion – sometimes a crippling horror. Tonight, its mere background noise.

Last night, I was humming a little and kind of singing to myself whilst I read in bed. I don’t think that has happened since June 21, 2014.

I still have minimal sense of ongoingness. For me that means, disposing of possessions and living each day as I did in using and when I first went to Silver Lining Halfway House. The Unpacked Suitcase of a life. Ready to move at any moment.

When I got into genealogy, I discovered the convicts and the peasants and the dispossessed Highlanders and my insecurity made sense to me as well as my anger and rebellion.

Its colder tonight and I am getting tired.

My redhead told me she licked a worm because the by next door dared her to. I guess I have licked a lot of worms in my time.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s