THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN PASSES

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LIDO MAY 2016

The night is late and the midnight train passed. I hear the trains ac ross the ovals and the surf out the side windows. Tonight is quiet and I am becoming accustomed to the aloneness. I am less accustomed to the going out now. Less at ease with people.

There is no longer a day without a fear of dying. Sometimes, the merest whisper of worry or confusion – sometimes a crippling horror. Tonight, its mere background noise.

Last night, I was humming a little and kind of singing to myself whilst I read in bed. I don’t think that has happened since June 21, 2014.

I still have minimal sense of ongoingness. For me that means, disposing of possessions and living each day as I did in using and when I first went to Silver Lining Halfway House. The Unpacked Suitcase of a life. Ready to move at any moment.

When I got into genealogy, I discovered the convicts and the peasants and the dispossessed Highlanders and my insecurity made sense to me as well as my anger and rebellion.

Its colder tonight and I am getting tired.

My redhead told me she licked a worm because the by next door dared her to. I guess I have licked a lot of worms in my time.

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