Retirement from anxieties of every kind; entering into no disputes; avoiding all frivolous talk; and simplifying everything we engage in, whether in a way of doing or suffering; denying the imagination its false activities, and the intellect its false searchings after what it cannot obtain,—these seem to be some of the steps that lead to surrender to the spirituality of our lives.
– JAMES P. GREAVES (para.)
A day at home. Council still consuming the street. I had planned to go for a blood test but just can’t get the oomph up to do so. Have to go all the way to Bellingen now to do so.
And as the day passed, Liss visited and Kaybee and Clarz and we talked and shopped. Had Bakery lunch. The workers worked on the footpath and I slept the afternoon. Tonight I spoke with Arkue and now I am settled in in the manner to which I am becoming accustomed once more. Warm and quiet and studious. Still in pain from my neck but that is all.
NOT much to say. Another pleasant day and now for bed.
A RIPPLING EFFECT
Having learned to live so happily, we’d show everyone else how. . . . Yes, we of A.A. did dream those dreams. How natural that was, since most alcoholics are bankrupt idealists. . . . So why shouldn’t we share our way of life with everyone?
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 156
The great discovery of sobriety led me to feel the need to spread the “good news” to the world around me. The grandiose thoughts of my drinking days returned. Later, I learned that concentrating on my own recovery was a full-time process. As I became a sober citizen in this world, I observed a rippling effect which, without any conscious effort on my part, reached any “related facility or outside enterprise,” without diverting me from my primary purpose of staying sober and helping other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
I have been calm most of the day and less embittered or afraid. For me the Unwellness – the savage agony of it – has been in the spiritual anguish. Rages and terrors and despair and hatred.
This last week has seen a great easing of that and a peacefulness. I shall do one more meeting tonight and come home to warmth and peace. I am still bedridden a lot of each day and little inclined to go out. I don’t think that it matters at all.
ITS COLD STILL. And Council is carrying out some deranged plans in the street. The books are still in boxes and everything looks bleak and tacky – but it don’t matter. It just don’t matter.
I may also be getting rid of some of my WHAT IFs. Iz used to nudge me about them and they have been teasing me for this 2 years.
What if ?
I die too. Other Loved ones die ? I am stuck in a nursing home forever ? The pain never stops ? I am stuck in Urunga forever ?
You see – until the night of the Valium wrestle – I was not alive . I had not chosen Life at all. Something changed that night and the Haunting has eased somewhat. I do not reach for him in bed so often. I am not always seeing his body lying there under the blue sheet beside the road.
I have been dead for 2 years. Now something stirs within.
I tried to join my life somehows to other lives – the hostel , the aged care ” industry” , my kids and grandkids, Arkue. Anna.
BIG GAS HEATER ON. Netflix on TV and the electric blanket for later. Dani takes me to meetings and all in all – things are OK. I am now either fluid filled or have put on too much weight again. That needs attending to.
Hey – you know . I just spin out when I try to make appointments and keep commitments. Some of it is post come and mid grief and some of it is my purely ornery attitude which I have had for many years.
So – I am continuing with what is working for me. First – go to meetings and don’t pick up.
Somehow that clears spaces for other things to come.
I also went for my daily pony ride. My life seems so small at times. Then I make the decision to LOOK. Carefully. At small details. The one rabbit. The pelicans. I go to Spar and I ride the Concrete Path. In my own way I am a defeated woman and have been since the Night of the Valium Wrestle. In the Defeat is Release and Peace of a kind. Don’t use and go to Meetings.
A feeling of the joy of childhood. We did the footbridge and later we went a visiting and then to the Fireworks. Brings me alive , times like this. Wrapped up in winter gear is something we rarely do up here and outside fresh and clean and filled with life.
As I have said before, I cannot fix my own life this time. I need a divine repairperson to do that.
Days like today make a difference. Rugs and blankets and cold air – they suit me. Camping appeals to me.
My Recovery Network has recently dealt with the death of a dear friend. He graduated from the program the only way one can, by passing on into the next stage of existence clean and sober.The unfortunate truth of a life of sobriety is that you will hear of, know and love many people, friends and loved ones who pass away. More than those who are not in the program. This is just the nature of this disease. Some will die from natural causes, some will die from other diseases like cancer, but many of them will lose the battle to Drugs and Alcohol.The fortunate part about Recovery and working a good program is that we develop a huge network of close, real friends that we can lean on. We can help each other through the grief. In active addiction it would have been an excuse to drink and use more. In Recovery it is a teachable moment that shows us in times of trial and heart ache we need to use the tools we have been taught. We must work our program. We must do these things so that we may be of help to other suffering addicts and alcoholics.The hardest part for me when faced with death is the finality of the fact that I know I will never see or talk to that person again. I know they are in a better place. I have personal grief, but more importantly I grieve for the families.
I am waiting for my nieces and great nephew to arrive. With coffee – a rare event for me. Both thongs are rare events. It is cold and windy and my eye and neck hurt but I did sleep well and I have the gas heater on.
I do not know how to photograph “COLD”. Not on a sunny day with blue skies. Maybe people’s clothes are about the only give away.
I live in a seriously dumb arse time – so it seems to me. Unnecessarily complex. Mixes me up good and proper as it always has.
A little later.
Out to the end of the Footbridge. With the Girls and Lou. I want my son and his girl. As for the rest it is OK today.
Going out to see Fireworks in Bellingen now. More subtly it is Family Healing from the griefs and sorrows we have known the last few years.