NOT DOING MUCH

LYNNE2

NOT EVEN making much noise. The Girls came to visit and we laughed and talked. From then on – quiet and not doing much.

I made an appointment with the eye specialist for July. I chatted with JB next door and we talked of Floods and Cancers.

And I slept the afternoon away.

I still observe the Harvoni effects on people.  I am reading some good stories but seeing some less than impressive ones.

Most days, I put aside all thoughts of it for now. I handle what I can handle. It is enough.

And then I am quiet.

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2 friends today posted about Hep C treatment.

  1. P.F. I am about six weeks into treatment with Harvoni. I have developed intraepidermal squamous cell carcinoma (SCC) on top of my ear and forehead. My GP is speculating that it may be a side effect of the Harvoni or immune suppressants. Has anyone else experienced this?

  2. Hi Lynne, thought I woukd keep you informed of my Hep C Direct Acting Antiviral treatment . I am on 2 tablets a day Solfosbuvir and Daclastavir. All up the Solf is 60 mgms and the Dac is 400 mgms. I started on the first of June and if I survive will take my last dose on the 2nd of November. The first four days were spent in foetal.position in agony. It is like the meds have triggered najor fybromialgia. I also feel like I have taken a large dose of LSD…so I have to get used to a world that screams at me in a confounding mess of noise, light, smells and sounds. The depression that comes with it is astounding…but being an eternal optimist I know it will pass and keep my awareness towards the beautiful things such as the sky, the water, my music etc. I have to combat this constant desire to walk away from life and spend the next six months curled up but that would be wrong. I have a great band of musicians and a grand daughter coming…but this last week I have struggled with this desire to turn my back on everything. I am not looking for sympathy but am giving you the symptoms that some of us are experiencing but no one wants to openly talk about? Not sure why? but that is kind of the unspoken rule on some of the ‘hep c’ blogs. For those of us who have lived through major health issues the side effects are obviously weirder… Any hoo I have committed to this… I hope this time next year I can look back on this and say…Feeling Fookin Fantastic… Thinking of you Lots of love M

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DSCN2228
THE WHITE FRANGIPANI FROM THE BEACHSHACK GARDEN

I READ about things. I ride the Pony. And then I am quiet. Very quiet.

I look at beautiful things online and now that I have Netflix, I look for beautiful movies. And when possible,  I think of nothing and I am quiet.

Because I still remember these days. One day I shall write my own story down here but for now, these other writers can take care of it.

I just heard

NO USE CRYING WHE YOU’RE DRINK. MAD BASTARDS.

Thank God for the Four Horsemen


Ananda’s thread about the bedevilments reminded me of this – page 151. This section of the BB still sends a chill down my back.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did – then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen – Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!

Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, “I don’t miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time.” As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

–Boy that was me – “sober” in AA… but getting POUNDED on by the four horsemen – allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay looooooooooooong (!!) Sitting in meetings and lying about how grateful and how lucky I was to be “in AA and part of this program.” I don’t know that I wanted to drink and get away with it because I knew there was ALWAYS a price to pay for my drinking but I sure couldn’t picture life back in the bottle or like it was going away from the bottle. I whistled as loudly as I could at those meetings (like the story goes). I guess I was hoping I could trick myself into believing I really was happy…and thankful….and “glad to be here.”

I knew I could “act” a good game. I could put a smile on, seem happy and act content but inside, holy cow, inside – it was WAR. I could not fathom living this way another hour…..let alone “one day at a time.” There was just no way I could do it, I thought. This inner turmoil was going to kill me for sure. On the other hand, drinking would fix it for now, but I knew the repercussions would likely be worse. Talk about nowhere to turn: to the left = more pain than you can stand / to the right = even more pain than to the left. What to do……what to do – I’m screwed either way I go.

That was the point where I finally looked in the last room in that last house on the block. I was in AA but I had no relationship with God, yet. I was still going it alone with my (to me) incredible self will, awesome abilities, and the fellowship of AA – and I was getting worse. Some days, I’d swear i felt worse than I ever remembered feeling when I was drinking.

For me, I think that was the time I really “took” the first 3 steps. Borne out of complete hopelessness and utter despair I had nothing to lose. As it was, I was losing my sanity – I was screwed and I knew it. I remember thinking, “Man….I’ve got NO chance….I’m going to kill myself…..He probably won’t but maaaaaaybe God can do something to fix me” <– I don’t know if that even qualifies for “faith the size of a mustard seed” but it was all I had – and thankfully it was enough.

Just thinking about those days is enough to get tears rollin’ down my face. I was so sooooooo sick of every single thing! I hated you guys, I had contempt for your happiness (which I was half-convinced was phony), I thought I was doing everything I could and nothing was working one moment and in the next moment I was convinced I wasn’t doing anything at all. I mean, I COULDN’T be doing anything? I sure didn’t feel the way you guys said you felt. Either you were lying or I was missing out – and missing out BIG.

I don’t really remember what happened next. I don’t recall anything changing overnight or having some sudden revelation – God didn’t “fix” me like I had hoped. So, I did the last thing I could think of, I started “doing” what the book, the program, my therapist and my sponsor told me to do. I started journaling – and hated it, I started praying each night and each morning on my knees – and thought it was silly and embarrassing, I started writing inventory after inventory and 5th stepping them even though I never felt any better after doing one, I went on AA “spirituality” retreats where there was no talking for 2 1/2 days, I started learning ppl’s names at the meetings so I could say hi to them and address them by name even though I was intimidated and afraid to, I “consulted” God as much as I could all day long, as well as a bunch of other stuff. I got my fat a$$ “into action” for real – not because I wanted to or because I was told to….mostly because I was afraid not to do what I was told to do anymore.

It was those actions…even though I didn’t “believe in them” that made the difference. It still makes me chuckle a little….. I NEVER EVER would have come up with THAT as a solution (on my own). I tell ya though, I sit here a completely different person that I was a year ago. Night and day difference. THIS…….THIS is what I was looking for….this is how I always wanted to feel….this is how life should – and can – be. It blows my mind to hear “it’ll keep getting better if you keep doing the work.” It’s hard to believe sometimes….

Sorry for the long post. This stuff has been rattling around my head more than a couple times in the past few days so I felt compelled to post it. If nothing else, I hope anyone else who’s “not drinking and going to meetings” or “not drinking and doing 90 in 90” or just hanging out in AA and wondering “what the heII is so great about AA?” can know that they’re not alone in feeling that way. I was in the same boat for a while…a long while actually…and that’s no way to live. There IS a solution….there IS a way past all that garbage…you DON’T have to feel like that anymore. If you want more specifics on what I did, ask me – shoot me a pm or ask here.

I got sober with the hope that maybe someday I wouldn’t have to hate everyone and everything – especially myself…..and I don’t anymore. Life IS good, it’s wonderful even. I couldn’t be more happy about, proud of or thankful for my “membership” in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. A God I still don’t understand finally became apparent to me. He was there all along but I never noticed Him much before. I’m eternally grateful to those “hideous four horsemen” because without them, I never would have gotten to where I am.

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“We can’t solve our problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” – Albert Einstein
/-all BB quotes-1st. Edition-\

 

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