Coming up for the 2 years since he died seems to truly be significant for me. Moreso than I was expecting. I no longer half expect him to be there. I am no longer trying to hold together some semblance of the life we had together. I feel like I am emptying out – today at least- of desire and expectation. None of the people, places or things which I thought might fill the Void have done so – not the routines or habits. Nothing. All I know is that i have reached some new internal place – and it is very quiet. Empty.
I dispose of more and more things.
And I sit here and I simply am.
Some of the simmering rage at being left to handle things alone has changed into something new.
Some of the profound resentment at just how difficult it has been and still is has also transmuted into something different.
I still don’t see what to do next but for today – I am quiet.