Bed all day again despite an invite for lunch in North Bello. I said NO which surprised me. I have until now been desperate for any sharing of time in case it were our last together. This time, I felt well and we made plans with them for tomorrow. That is a seemingly small thing but a big one to me.
In the end I stayed home all day long and mostly drowsy and in bed. Before I met Iz, I did a lot of these Shabbos days – deeply meditative and healing.
I realised that way back I ceased doing almost anything because I either got it wrong or – more significantly – did things I wish I didn’t. Like use drugs. Mix with wrong people. I sort of froze into drug addiction. Damage is done and even all these years later , I do not easily DO things I see other people do. Like cook. Or grow gardens.
Mind you – nor do I wish to.
I have spent another day with a huge reduction in Fear even though it is similar to how I was feeling just before Iz died. Comfortable and hopeful and content. The rug was ripped out from under that one. Nonetheless, it was there today and it is a blessed place to be in.