I still walk in strange new times for me. Its 2 years since his death and  still not 2 years since the septic pneumonia and coma. I live daily now with Death close – so it seems. Things like ambulances and hospitals have become familiar where they had not been for many years.

I learn to move around my house differently with a caution and an acceptance of mobility aids. Sometimes I think I am pampering myself and lazy and then incidents like this week occur and caution prevails.

My girls has been helping me bigtime and her girls brings the smiles. We are reducing my belongings which looks sane but carries the whiff of preparation to leave this lifetime – so it seems to me.

Some days are tough or confusing. Some are frightening or painful. Yet I begin to feel a peace not normally mine despite the tears and the loneliness and the wondering. I sit quietly and move gently and have lost much of my sense of guilt.

I now aspire to very little – even my obsession with helping my kids. I just can’t do it. I am forming a new role in life.

As well as the sheer grief and heartbreak when Iz went, I also knew I might be in trouble physically and financially and so it has proven to be. He took such very good care of me and with great love between us. We just didn’t know how ill he was because we were watching my health so closely.

The one thing which is good at the moment is the release from mental torment. Well there are many good things. My clean bedroom. The Shack.


They did an emergency gastroscopy with repairs where needed. I am tired now but have hopes of getting the shack in order with my helpers. I would like to see the Eden People but they are tied up in their own lives and commitments for the moment. They do keep close contact. I am doing one day at a time far more contentedly and less fearsomely than before.

it comes

the other place

the silent place

of changing

And deeply within that place are the things I love. I still adore living. I love the questing of knowledge and the sheer beauty of people, places and things.

I still embrace the complexities of being with other people. And I love the Internet with all its access to wonderful things. To sit and spend the evening with my loved ones 1000kms away – well I surely do love that.

Then I love the silences. Of Myself.

I sometimes wonder what is the point of continuing to devour information and images when one is not well and might go on a short time only but the instinct is there and voracious so I figure there is some point – if not in this lifetime – then in another.

sailing right off the edge of the world

sailed so far today

right off the end of the world

i cannot stop it she called

saffy press the button

before i go off the end of the world

and saffy did.

hos rose3



I AM HOME QUIETLY and more accepting than I often am. Its a birthday party tonight which I had really wanted to attend – but I am weak and shakey still.

Today the Girls came again and Kaybee cleaned much of my house and got rid of many things. She thinks I am a hoarder.

The little Girls and I just played and it was joyful.

Then the Lads came to visit. DB and NW. They say they will help around the yard again. We all yarned and now I have slept and am home alone. Quietly. Quietly.

Sandy’s Girl had a baby girl last night.

I am on a regime of medicine which is unusual for me but which might work. Antibiotics and something which will kill stomach bacteria and do something to stop the bleeds – so they say.