Once again, the despair whispers to me. Seduces me. The profound loss of his smile and support – and of his music. The losses tentacle me. Gone and more gone. I am weary and have been uncomfortable most of the day. With some pain. Heavy medications and visitors and now I am weary but once more afraid of bed.
I wanted to do so much and now it feels like I am preparing to exit this world. That might be close or it might not – but it feels like it. Discarding and shedding and having much taken from me.
I wanted to make things work for my kids and grandkids. I wanted to do things with them and for them. I wanted so many things but like my Sister said to me in her last weeks –
My children will have to live whatever lives they live.
So , even while I am here – things are changed and changing further. Maybe I am OK tonight. Much of the agony has been passed through. The growing recognition that I am not going to be “fixed”. I am well through that. Sorrowing is familiar and lusting after outcomes is fading.
Today, once more was filled with good things. Ede down from Queensland and a meeting. Then my Girls. And our loving and laughing.
Maybe, bed will not be a frightening place tonight. The other night for the first time, I seemed to feel his fingers touching mine.
And then my girls come and we laugh. And hug.
I miss my Eden Kids and want to see them but Lord Almighty I am weary body and soul.
Well – damned if I don’t feel a small smile coming. It is a most interesting life.