TONIGHT – A MOAN. WON’T LAST LONG BUT I SURELY NEED TO MOAN.
I make this request – when you speak to me or anyone seriously ill or with serious problems – please do not tell me how well I look and sound. That’s you who wants it to be all OK. Its not all OK. I am not well and I don’t care to have my difficulties diminished to make YOU comfortable. I hurt. I am afraid and things are tough. If you can’t handle that – please go elsewhere. I am NOT going to be gently smiling in a courageous and noble manner – so fare thee well. Let me work this through with people who know how to accompany me.
ASK HOW I AM. DO NOT TELL ME HOW YOU THINK I AM.
Also don’t promise anything. There is no need. Don’t try to appease your own guilt on me. I am not asking anything of you – please don’t offer what you can’t or won’t give. Its not your job.
I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GIRL IN MY WORLD , eh Kaybee ?
I feel obligated much of the time to handle this well. To be of good cheer and fight the courageous fight. To rally and DO things. But times come for silence and privacy. Times of fear and worry. Lonely times and strange times. I mourn the losses and the shedding. I had an Alfa and a caravan and a wee street that I loved and its all gone. My garden is barren and the stinging nettle grows once more.
I went to the doctor this morning and came away as always feeling shaken and hopeless.
Its as if the concrete has been laid across my soul. Things have broken and collapsed and all bright hopes have faded away. I find myself quite unable to fit into the courageous sick widder woman role. Not that it matters tonight. I just moved a little of the troubling mess outside around – just a little.I saw the Doc and visited North Bello. Came home with Ede and the Lad. Slept all afternoon and I am OK. That’s as good as it gets. OK. That is good enough.
IT HAS BEEN a beautiful day. Like Springtime. And the evening is likewise sweet.
Patience – childe – patience. I guess it will take a few days at least to feel rather better. Each hospital trip freaks me out and knocks me about. I have varices and an ulcer. Its a bugger.
At this point the dusk arrives. I shall microwave some dinner and take the pills and settle in for the evening.
DO NOT DESPAIR. DO NOT DESPAIR.
I tell you – its hard. Fecking hard. To get up and make dinner. To walk around with a fatigue that is staggering. To try and hold a home together and be a mother and grandmother of at least some small value.
Ah well. I do watch the people I love and see them bloom. I have a lovely family. And we have been very fortunate. It could have been much worse. For some reason tonight – even amongst the unwellness and sorrowing , I am once again quite happy. Loosely speaking. I can put dinner on now and take the damned tablets. Watch TV and use the internet. I can read the book on Kindle which Jaybee sent me. Good as it gets and good enough.
BLOODY GRATITUDE SNEAKING UP ON ME.
AND NOW on to my blogging which simply soothes.