Category Archives: 2015

A LITTLE INNER BOX HIDDEN AWAY

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Philip Seymour Hoffman

Last summer I found a small box stashed away in my apartment,
a box filled with enough Vicodin to kill me. I would have sworn
that I’d thrown it away years earlier, but apparently not. I stared
at the white pills blankly for a long while, I even took a picture of
them, before (finally, definitely) throwing them away. I’d been
sober (again) for some years when I found that box, but every
addict has one— a little box, metaphorical or actual— hidden
away. Before I flushed them I held them in my palm, marvelling
that at some point in the not-so-distant past it seemed a good
idea to keep a stash of pills on hand. For an emergency, I told
myself. What kind of emergency? What if I needed a root canal
on a Sunday night? This little box would see me through until
the dentist showed up for work the next morning. Half my
brain told me that, while the other half knew that looking into
that box was akin to seeing a photograph of myself standing on
the edge of a bridge, a bridge in the familiar dark neighborhood
of my mind, that comfortable place where I could somehow
believe that fuck it was an adequate response to life.

– NICK FLYNN

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A METAPHORICAL SMALL BOX HIDDEN AWAY

The Box dares to fly open this morning. Now the Grieving escapes the Stable and gallops off in all directions. Now I cry when my daughter rings. Now I panic once more. Now I vomit. Now Desire to continue has left me once more.

We went to Toormina and bought $100 of food for Remi to cook for tomorrow night. I am OK with my little girls and on my own and on computer but that’s about it. The rest of the Time, the small box is visible. Wee beasties chewing their way out of it. These are the hard core ones that must have been there for a VERY long time and through many explorations and cleanouts.

Will I make it through this Time ? I don’t know. JB, my friend in Coolangatta always called it SHIMMERING. That’s what I am doing. SHIMMERING.  His heart failed him.

The Psych who is coming here to visit with me spoke of SELF COMPASSION. I am in need of that. I am SO weary and still sliding downhill now and then.

The Little Box is there. I have it “in case I need it ” as I slide. 

What would happen if I were able to toss it far off as I slide ?

What would come flying out ?

What would finally leave me alone ?

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SPRITES ESCAPE THE BOX

ALMOST TO THE NEXT ONE

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Didn’t really think we would make it to the last one. Now we come up to the next one. I am awake middle of the night feeling somewhat bullied. I shall do something about that in the morning.

I am still capable of minimal activities and thoughts and I have done taken on too many once again. Easily fixed. Skid the coming weekend and clarify the dinner on Monday.

Meantime. A few words before I sleep once more.

So sleep – do the shopping for Remi tomorrow. Worry about nothing at all. Empty the plate again. I can handle almost nothing planned ahead but this I can do –

BRING THE ELDERHOOD BACK FROM THE DREAMING WITH ME. 

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  • cancel the weekend in Forster
  • make it clear that we do not party late or hard and nor do we drink or drug.
  • do the meat shopping IF it is done easily in Urunga and Bellingen.
  • get the vegies and some fruit from Fullers.

BRING BACK THE ELDERHOOD FROM THE DREAMING. 

THE TINNY

Here I am with a new blog. The 3rd in the Silverbird Series and I find myself up the Creek without Paddles. No words to speak to you. A sadness on me once more. A pointlessness and lack of joy.

My eyes still celebrate. The camera still shows me a World I love but everything else is as ashes.  I even have a tinny now. I have so long wanted a Tinny. And it means nothing to me this week. Someplace – almost on the edge of NOT CARING – is where I live. I am wrestling the Internal Addict at the moment – the one who does not wish to engage in this Straight World at all. The one – who is not one of us.

All I need to do is ignore her and wait for the Mood to Change. She is Temperamental and Hurt. And Worried.

She will be OK in the Morning.

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GRATITUDE- Julie said tonight. GRATITUDE. 

Great home to live in

Kids who love me.

a Tinny.

MONDAY IN OCTOBER

pizap.com14446259470121Its an interesting time for me in the LACK OF WORDS. No philosophical examinations. Little interest in Meetings. Certainly none in Stepwork. It seems like I have entered an Oasis – walled and sacred . The opinions sparkle a little but only a little. Instincts seem to be ruling and responses I don’t expect. I feel as if I have regressed to a point I was at just before meeting Izzy. Quite a good place – but not as good as what then came. Within that is discontent. I can accept this as my life. Its comfortable and kindly – but I want more. More depth. More colour. More passion. More width. More meaning. More Beauty. More Love.  More Security.

For the Moment, I am just grounding myself in what I do have. In the present beauty and love and meaning. From Little Things Big Things grow.

Today I went to the NA meeting and once again I did not enjoy it. It seems to me that we have lost the plot somewhat and become a reflection of a middle class western society. There is a Unity Day to be held and the charge is $10 per head inc children. I realised that I don’t fit amongst that attitude. That I don’t fit with the people who think that way.

That, then, is OK. I did Izzy’s funeral the way we believed in. With people bringing plates and Musos playing Music. I am not a capitalist. I see terrible things happening and they begin small. They begin with the first person who doesn’t come to a Unity Day because they don’t have the money. The first person who doesn’t eat lunch because they don’t have the money. It begins with the first one shamed into saying ” I am poor.”

And I do not have to be a part of it. 

Next door comes to me with plates of beautifully cooked food and mow my lawns. We do not charge for our Meetings. This is NOT a business venture. For me, all that is asked is that I stay away and stay with my meetings and the people I value. BECAUSE I want the Rooms I am in to be places where the very most unmanageable, the Least and the Unloved are welcomed FREE OF CHARGE OR EXPECTATION. No wonder the Numbers are shrinking. We are losing our way.

I no longer have room to screw about in losing my way ! Marion told me years ago that the Path became narrower and the Fellow Travellers fewer and Bob Earle spoke of finding our own smaller Spiritual Family within the Bigger One. Time for more of that for me. No wonder there is such a huge change going on in the USA and no wonder the voices grow louder.

I am now quite content with the Evening. 

I bought clothes and earrings from the Opshop. I chatted and pottered and watched the Kookaburras. The beans are growing very high and all is well here as I incubate.  I am still in process of clearing away and adding new and changing my life around to fit . Its quiet. Its dark and peaceful. ALL IS FUNDAMENTALLY WELL.

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AND FOR CONSIDERATION.

HARE KRISHNAS FEEDING THE POOR

New International Version
Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

Isiah 55:1 New International Version
“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy drink and milk without money and without cost.

20 Looking at his disciples, he said: “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

21 Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

22 Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil

23 “Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven

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WELCOME TO THE 3rd SILVERBIRD

STAYING CLEAN WITH WRINKLES. 

THE FIRST SILVERBIRDS ARE BACK HERE.

and for our very beginnings – take a look back here.

My free quota has been used up again and so comes the need for the 3rd SilverBird. Its been over a year since Izzy died and just on the Year since I emerged from a long sepsis pneumonia coma. I am now 28 years clean and sober and I am much altered in this last 15-16 months. Lets see what happens now. 

“You think that their
dying is the worst
thing that could happen.

Then they stay dead.”

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― Donald Hall