Days come when I am aware of the Instinct for Survival. Today was cool and wet after a heatwave yesterday. Clacker and I were both vomiting last night From the heat perhaps or maybe in my case a reaction to food. Its led me today back to the Instinct to Survive.
I have done more in this week than usual. Walked and played and eaten out. Today was in bed and quietly so.
I cancelled the cataract surgery. Stripped a whole lot off the coming week. Feels better to me. The Brierfields are likely to be moving in that week and its not long before Saf goes back to school. Leave the eye till then. Talk to Dr Fergusson before surgery because the eye causing me problems seems to be the other one. IN fact – don’t even think about that tonight. Likewise the Harvoni. Deal with each thing as it arises.
Tonight is cool enough to have the heater on and its damp outside.
I allow myself an hour’s CONSCIOUS AND PLANNED GRIEVING each day. Sometimes, like today it becomes a background theme that takes me unawares. Sometimes, it is sweet and sometimes bitter vetch.
But each day, I take my one hour and watch his videos, listen to his music, talk of him and look through some of the many photographs we took.
CONSCIOUS AND PLANNED GRIEVING. It is taking out the garbage and sorting the debris. It is placing beloved souvenirs on the shelves and polishing them up.
It is taking out the garbage before it goes rotten and breeds maggots in my psyche.
CONSCIOUS AND PLANNED GRIEVING shows me where the Floodwaters might find entree and helps me prepare Flood and Fire and other Emergency Plans.
It is re-defining me.
It is, in its own way. a staggeringly beautiful experience – the Purity of Mourning.
Mourning without drugs or alcohol.
I do believe that I am glad I became so grief stricken that a sepsis pneumonia developed and thence the Coma – than to have been sedated or anti-depressanted into minimising the Loss. I prefer to be DEAD than WALKING DEAD.
The message we get is that we cannot get by without chemical adjustment.
MY MESSAGE IS – JUST WATCH ME , BABY !
On August 13 1987, as I sat in a Drug and Alcohol Detox Unit in the well known Callan Park Mental Hospital in Sydney, I said to myself : MY GOD , ITS THEIR DRUGS TOO. All the medicines and mood alterers and miracle drugs to “fix” me, had done me in as much as any of the illegal ones. I have been free of them now for 28 years and I am glad to the very core of my being.
Good Night , Iz. Good Night. Its raining and cold enough for the gas heater – and I miss you still.
Walk In Dry Places
Never too late___Self expression
Many of us lament the fact that we wasted youthful years when we should have been earning college degrees or perfecting a skill. Many of us simply do not feel we can take up something new because we missed the opportunity to try it when we were younger.
We are now learning that age is mental, not really physical. Some people seem aged and beaten at twenty-five, while others act sprightly and young at sixty. Moreover, we can find wonderful examples of people who blossom out in new activities without any thought or concern about age barriers. It is never too late for a person to study, to take up a new trade or profession, to follow a new scientific or artistic interest, or to begin other lessons.
If we are using age as a reason for not following our heart’s desire, we should ask if we are really finding ways to avoid responsibility for our own performance in life. We may be seeking excuses to spare ourselves the struggle and effort that are always required when we do something new or challenging.
It is never too late to be the people God intended us to be.
I will give some thought today to the excuses I’ve been using for not making better use of my talents and opportunities.