Category Archives: LIVING CLEAN



Days come when I am aware of the Instinct for Survival. Today was cool and wet after a heatwave yesterday. Clacker and I were both vomiting last night From the heat perhaps or maybe in my case a reaction to food. Its led me today back to the Instinct to Survive.

I have done more in this week than usual. Walked and played and eaten out. Today was in bed and quietly so.

I cancelled the cataract surgery. Stripped a whole lot off the coming week. Feels better to me. The Brierfields are likely to be moving in that week and its not long before Saf goes back to school. Leave the eye till then. Talk to Dr Fergusson before surgery because the eye causing me problems seems to be the other one. IN fact – don’t even think about that tonight. Likewise the Harvoni. Deal with each thing as it arises.

Tonight is cool enough to have the heater on and its damp outside.

I allow myself an hour’s CONSCIOUS AND PLANNED GRIEVING each day. Sometimes, like today it becomes a background theme that takes me unawares. Sometimes, it is sweet and sometimes bitter vetch.

But each day, I take my one hour and watch his videos, listen to his music, talk of him and look through some of the many photographs we took.

CONSCIOUS AND PLANNED GRIEVING. It is taking out the garbage and sorting the debris. It is placing beloved souvenirs on the shelves and polishing them up.

It is taking out the garbage before it goes rotten and breeds maggots in my psyche.

CONSCIOUS AND PLANNED GRIEVING shows me where the Floodwaters might find entree and helps me prepare Flood and Fire and other Emergency Plans.

It is re-defining me.

It is, in its own way. a staggeringly beautiful experience – the Purity of Mourning. 

Mourning without drugs or alcohol.

I do believe that I am glad I became so grief stricken that a sepsis pneumonia developed and thence the Coma – than to have been sedated or anti-depressanted into minimising the Loss. I prefer to be DEAD than WALKING DEAD.

The message we get is that we cannot get by without chemical adjustment.


On August 13 1987, as I sat in a Drug and Alcohol Detox Unit in the well known Callan Park Mental Hospital in Sydney, I said to myself : MY GOD , ITS THEIR DRUGS TOO. All the medicines and mood alterers and miracle drugs to “fix” me, had done me in as much as any of the illegal ones. I have been free of them now for 28 years and I am glad to the very core of my being.

Good Night , Iz. Good Night. Its raining and cold enough for the gas heater – and I miss you still.

lynne prof 2

Walk In Dry Places

Never too late___Self expression
Many of us lament the fact that we wasted youthful years when we should have been earning college degrees or perfecting a skill. Many of us simply do not feel we can take up something new because we missed the opportunity to try it when we were younger.
We are now learning that age is mental, not really physical. Some people seem aged and beaten at twenty-five, while others act sprightly and young at sixty. Moreover, we can find wonderful examples of people who blossom out in new activities without any thought or concern about age barriers. It is never too late for a person to study, to take up a new trade or profession, to follow a new scientific or artistic interest, or to begin other lessons.
If we are using age as a reason for not following our heart’s desire, we should ask if we are really finding ways to avoid responsibility for our own performance in life. We may be seeking excuses to spare ourselves the struggle and effort that are always required when we do something new or challenging.
It is never too late to be the people God intended us to be.
I will give some thought today to the excuses I’ve been using for not making better use of my talents and opportunities.



One more simple day. Don brought fresh vegies from our garden and Rem came for a drive with me to see whether the car boiled. We don’t know what’s wrong with it.  It didn’t boil but it did strange things later. I have come to the conclusion that I am boiling over too often and need to grow up one more stage.

BRING BACK THE ELDERHOOD – RQ tells me I said after the Dreaming. It s time to become that very thing. Means I think more clearly. Means I allow the Emotions less hysterical room. Means – well it means a lot of things.

Today I cooked a good dinner. And made no plans to leave everything and run. I just didn’t freak out.  And Saturday is now passing. No real damage done to me or by me. DSCF5318


I am going fully mental. The car overheated and now I have said I shall buy another one. My mind is bouncing off the walls of the skull cavity and I am inside – cold and dampened and pretty much losing the plot. I have a chance to do things differently again. Not freak out. Not despair. Make a decision or two. Stuff like that. The corn is as high as an elephant’s thigh.

Ah gee, some of us aren’t best equipped for life. Good times we live in nonetheless. I have finished the book I was reading and now I can just buy one in a few seconds and have it delivered to my Kindle immediately.

I am timid by nature and there is likely to be a shortcoming hidden within that.

FEAR I guess. Fear of something. Fear of Everything. Fear of Nothing at all.


For some reason, I am quite cheerful tonight. Its either that or eat worms. A big flock of birds just flew up. Its after midnight. I couldn’t see them just hear them and its rather an unusual thing. Wonder what they were.

Sometimes, well actually, FREQUENTLY, izzy and I would dance. Just wherever we were. Kitchen. Verandah. Well, I don’t know why I feel comfortable tonight and even happy but I do. I shall snuggle into bed soon.

Do some reading and leave all the Problems outside the Doors.



shed fernmnt

Do believe I am inclined towards self pity and despair.

Do believe I am weary.  

Do Believe I am in no mood to worry or suffer tonight. 

I saw my little one win a wrestling match today. I was most impressed. 

All the worries can go to sleep for the night with me. 

I ain’t talking about death or poverty or illness or broken cars or anything at all. I am just going to pick the 3 things to be grateful for. Heavy duty – hard core things.

That I have been able to raise my Kids clear into Adulthood and Grandmotherhood.

That I have a functioning Mind.

That I have this place to live which suits me very well.


and, of course, I have been to EDEN.

The rest of it – I shall wrestle to death some other time.



Didn’t really think we would make it to the last one. Now we come up to the next one. I am awake middle of the night feeling somewhat bullied. I shall do something about that in the morning.

I am still capable of minimal activities and thoughts and I have done taken on too many once again. Easily fixed. Skid the coming weekend and clarify the dinner on Monday.

Meantime. A few words before I sleep once more.

So sleep – do the shopping for Remi tomorrow. Worry about nothing at all. Empty the plate again. I can handle almost nothing planned ahead but this I can do –



  • cancel the weekend in Forster
  • make it clear that we do not party late or hard and nor do we drink or drug.
  • do the meat shopping IF it is done easily in Urunga and Bellingen.
  • get the vegies and some fruit from Fullers.



pizap.com14446259470121Its an interesting time for me in the LACK OF WORDS. No philosophical examinations. Little interest in Meetings. Certainly none in Stepwork. It seems like I have entered an Oasis – walled and sacred . The opinions sparkle a little but only a little. Instincts seem to be ruling and responses I don’t expect. I feel as if I have regressed to a point I was at just before meeting Izzy. Quite a good place – but not as good as what then came. Within that is discontent. I can accept this as my life. Its comfortable and kindly – but I want more. More depth. More colour. More passion. More width. More meaning. More Beauty. More Love.  More Security.

For the Moment, I am just grounding myself in what I do have. In the present beauty and love and meaning. From Little Things Big Things grow.

Today I went to the NA meeting and once again I did not enjoy it. It seems to me that we have lost the plot somewhat and become a reflection of a middle class western society. There is a Unity Day to be held and the charge is $10 per head inc children. I realised that I don’t fit amongst that attitude. That I don’t fit with the people who think that way.

That, then, is OK. I did Izzy’s funeral the way we believed in. With people bringing plates and Musos playing Music. I am not a capitalist. I see terrible things happening and they begin small. They begin with the first person who doesn’t come to a Unity Day because they don’t have the money. The first person who doesn’t eat lunch because they don’t have the money. It begins with the first one shamed into saying ” I am poor.”

And I do not have to be a part of it. 

Next door comes to me with plates of beautifully cooked food and mow my lawns. We do not charge for our Meetings. This is NOT a business venture. For me, all that is asked is that I stay away and stay with my meetings and the people I value. BECAUSE I want the Rooms I am in to be places where the very most unmanageable, the Least and the Unloved are welcomed FREE OF CHARGE OR EXPECTATION. No wonder the Numbers are shrinking. We are losing our way.

I no longer have room to screw about in losing my way ! Marion told me years ago that the Path became narrower and the Fellow Travellers fewer and Bob Earle spoke of finding our own smaller Spiritual Family within the Bigger One. Time for more of that for me. No wonder there is such a huge change going on in the USA and no wonder the voices grow louder.

I am now quite content with the Evening. 

I bought clothes and earrings from the Opshop. I chatted and pottered and watched the Kookaburras. The beans are growing very high and all is well here as I incubate.  I am still in process of clearing away and adding new and changing my life around to fit . Its quiet. Its dark and peaceful. ALL IS FUNDAMENTALLY WELL.




New International Version
Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

Isiah 55:1 New International Version
“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy drink and milk without money and without cost.

20 Looking at his disciples, he said: “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

21 Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

22 Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil

23 “Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven