I think I am in the middle of another surrendering. Breaking down instead of cracking up. I feel like sobbing almost all the time. Things seem to be beyond my control. So – I sit and sob – quite happily and internally collapse. Maybe its the infection and antibiotics.
In the 2nd year of my recovery from addiction, 1988-89 , I was like this EMOTIONALLY. I called it the year of La Grande Tristesse. And now, its upon me again. Back then, I was in Dept of Housing with my children restored to my care and I knew we would survive as a family. I was creating our new lives and forming new behaviours and routines. I could get the Kids off to school and maybe get to a meeting but often I simply sat inside and wept. Grieved. Mourned. As I passed through La Grande Tristesse, very good things began to happen and I emerged short haired and fiery and returned to Teaching after not working for 20 years.
It feels like that again. A very emotional time.
I shall make it a Step 2 year. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 2 is a step of hope, faith and realization. It is a big step towards God. In spite of all of the failures in my own life – all of the broken promises, hard feelings, disappointments, failures, destructive behaviour, hatred, anxiety, depression or guilt in my life – there is still hope. There is hope because there is a Power greater than myself. And this Power has the ability to restore my life to a life where there is freedom from the insanity of addictive behaviours. I begin to realize that such a Power still exists and this Power is able to set me on the road to recovery and freedom.
– From 12Step.org
I live now with a Fear that I am dying. I live with hospital visits and invalidism . I live alone again. It gets to me. Today, mostly, I had the knack of positive thinking back. Its been a long while since that was the baseline of my life and it is taking some rigorous reprogramming to do it again. I have a lot of YES BUTS and WHAT IFS in my psyche now.
I just cannot rake the energy up for the negative tonight. I have a car to sell and one to register but not tonight. Tonight – tonight – I have eaten well on food KB brought from Bello. I have spuds from the garden and throughout the day there were gentle and happy times.
I am still Clean and Sober. Good foundation. I have a great place to live and good people around. Profoundly I live and have lived a life of deeply satisfying experiences. Its just that – sometimes – I get sick and tired and scared. Merely surface shimmers.
I have made it through the day.
Bowra John is coming to do some repair jobs for me.
My daughter’s house is being built and has its roof on.
THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH, GIRL. Call it a WRAP.
TIME TO DO SOME WORK ON https://theoldproverbialrecovery.wordpress.com/
Through believing that a Higher Power can help, a man or a woman formerly eaten up with raging fear, anger, shame, doubt, guilt, and frustration may become calm and begin to grow spiritually by focusing on doing some simple steps, going to meetings, reading the Big Book, and talking to a sponsor. This person is not alone; there are other caring brothers and sisters who really do understand because they are dealing with the same problems the newcomer has. The simple act of believing that a Higher Power can restore us to sanity leads us into a family and into a new life where we can begin to see and experience a little sanity.
– A Hunger for Healing, p. 35