The heat is here now. Truly Summertime. Cicadas and Hornets and dreams of swimming.
Today I am to get the ecocardio in Coffs – late afternoon. Before I do that, I think I need to do something about registering the cars. It is these things which are stretching me. Things done alone after 8 years of partnership. These things which require a clear mind which I don’t always have following the Death and the Coma.
Sure enough, it is going barse ackwards. Enough already. Me and the Straight World just don’t get on. Never have. So – begin again. Breathe deeply. OK lets try a different angle. Laugh at the disappearing money. Laugh at the seeming hassles. Laugh at putting Kate out. Just laugh. Softly laugh. Laugh out loud. And hand the frigging lot over.
SO – I could be dead and I am not at this moment so – lets not freak out nor take this as deliberate persecution by Divine Powers. Lets just wait for Kaybee and go see what happens. Maybe we will be back for an afternoon swim. Maybe not.
I guess I would have done well not to begin the day with Leonard Cohen . He always has a twist.
Now I am sitting in the heat. Listening to birds and silence. Facing a trip into Coffs Harbour. For Motor Registry and Heart Specialist – I am at a distance from my Spirit now.
Perhaps a walk in the garden in the Heat. Perhaps.
Today I realise that I still personalise events in my life bigtime and that the superstitious fears are back. I allow for the shakeup of the last year or so and just let it ride but I am aware of it. PANIC. Panic. Sneaks up on me and leads me into overreaction and fear.
What else is happening to me ?
I’m hot and weak and overwhelmed.
I am of a negative disposition.
My meetings are down.
Right then – what do we do next ?
Handle one thing at a time.
First, go to the Motor Registry.
Second – all being well – go and get eco cardio done.
Third – all being even more well – come back – go swimming. Have dinner with Kids and BBalloon.
Step 1 – I am powerless over this shit and its making a right mess of my day.
Step 2 – Something greater than me can restore me to my lovely calm self.
Step 3 – I hand it all over. With hesitant and dubious doubts after the sudden decease of Iz and surprise Coma of mine. Nonetheless – take it all, God. Take it all.
Step 4- Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop feeling jinxed.
Step Ten is a spiritual pocket computer to help us keep tabs on our behavior today and a cleanser to help keep our spiritual lenses clean. In this method of keeping an inventory every day, we ask ourselves questions like, Which of my character defects popped up as uninvited guests today? Am I using the tools of the program? Am I praying? Am I thanking God for all the good things he has done for me this day, and for any positive things he’s freed me to do? …
The reason this is so important is that the Sin-disease, which its denial and delusion, is always hovering “just a decision away” to throw us back into fear and confusion. Its tactics are to convince us in various ways, “You’re ‘well’ now and don’t need a stupid program to lead a normal life. You can and should operate on your own as a mature adult.” The disease’s “strategy” often works like this: When we begin to feel a little secure and happy and our relationships are more comfortable, many of us “forget” to have our quiet time. We forget to go to meetings and don’t call our sponsor. We’re busy again, because the pain that drove us into the program has been alleviated. This is a dangerous place to be, because it is one of the major delusions of the spiritual life that we can “do it ourselves” without daily contact with God and a daily look at the reality of what is going on in our own lives.
– A Hunger for Healing, by Keith Miller, p. 164