Its Jaybee’s Birthday. I have very fine children. The Girls and me – well we went shopping and I did a pretty big day. Minimal pain. Laughter and food courts and the things I rarely see anymore.
I also had a Butcher Bird come and sit inside this morning and make itself right at home. I learned a little more about a few things and today I sold my Alfa Romeo for $100.
COULD BE A BAD THING. COULD BE A GOOD THING.
ITS been Easter and quite pleasant albeit painful and confusing with odd drugs in me. JON CALLED AND I VOMITED AND VOMITED in the Loo. Sweet Lord almighty. I am tired. Worn out and don’t really know what’s going on. Life has seriously become very peculiar for me now. Very strange indeed. I won’t be writing anything much about it at this time. I am too wasted. Too much pain remnant and too damned peculiar.
I woke to very heavy rain this morning. Its a wet and cold Xmas and we keep vigil over the children’s grandfather who is now in Bellingen Hospital where my own Dad died.
I bought more gifts than I could comfortably afford – by way of my own thinking. I have been trying to recall the joy in spending that Izzy had and he was always abundant. I stayed in Urunga. Much of my present behaviour was within me before the Death and the Coma but those two events have re-ignited it and I wear it like a crab wears its shell. I do believe I am also scuttling sideways through each day and you know what – it don’t matter, It really don’t matter. I am making it. I am staying clean. I am staying alive. So far – I haven’t done mortal damage to anything or anyone.
Today, we can, each of us, look back on our lives and get a glimmering of why something happened and how it fit into the larger mosaic of our lives. And this will continue to be true for us. We have stumbled. We will stumble. And we learn about ourselves, about what makes us stumble and about the methods of picking ourselves up.
Each Day a New Beginning.
BY THE WAY – I PICKED THE VERY LARGE ZUCCHINI TONIGHT.
They have gone to Mackay. Before they went, Remi did the frangipani tree for Xmas and they hung an insect net on the door. They have made my life liveable.
Paul N also came calling. The acupuncturist. I have had some amazing people in my life through this time. And they have all just appeared. Paul is now doing acupuncture in Urunga on Mondays and also psychological counselling on Tuesdays. Paul wanted to know whether or not the Chinese herbs had helped with the bleeding and I do believe they may have because I have not had a bleed for weeks.
It leaves me with the Frangipani tree lit with Izzy’s coloured lights and baubles. and I remember how I loved him.
THAT was a funny old day but I enjoyed it. I am slowly – so slowly and so gently healing. Donna told me about her father after major surgery. She said it took him 2 years to get himself back and finally it was fishing down at the Lido that did it. That’s rather like what is happening to me here. Flat footed and gentle.
I didn’t leave home again and it suits me well. I spoke with Eden on Facetime and the Brierfield People went to parties out in the Valleys and I stayed here . I mowed some of the lawns myself and then Remi came and really took care of it. Fixed the feng shui – he said. We cleaned up all the yard because they go North to Mackay to live on Monday and won’t be here to help me or give me company. I regret that but the next good thing will present.
Something has changed the last few weeks and with the trip to Sydney. I am no longer afraid of imminent death. I see a little chance of losing some weight and being able to move more easily. And to breathe would also be nice.
Its dark now with the street silent. No surf noise nor trains passing. Haven’t heard a car for a goodly while. I am growing accustomed to being alone. Today I have been quite well physically. Life is far easier on those days. I have begin to eliminate the foods I KNOW are weight increasing. Gently. Gently.
Whoever thought a skinny junky would become a woman ill with obesity ?
Most days I swim and walk through the water and on sand. Gently. Gently.
And I walk through memories and plans in much the same way. Taken aback on occasion when I enter water and find it deeper and colder and more turbulent than I expected and myself less fit to swim than I once was. My hand reaching out for the one who held it for 7 years only to find it gone.
Then come the sweet and kindly times like tonight and I lie floating on my back as I like to do – on a lagoon of memory .
GENTLY NOW. GENTLY.
BTW – I HAVE A VERY LARGE ZUCCHINI.
I am back from the City. It was a gentle and happy experience. Right there in Step 3, I was. I enjoyed the air flights – as usual. This time I was quite at ease with the purchasing and booking etc. BIG improvement since July.
I am still breathless on only minor exertion. I tire very easily but my confused thinking was greatly reduced.
I spent an excellent time with my brother and his partner and explored rather a lot of Sydney for such a short visit. We re-visited our childhood suburbs and the house I went to as a 1/2 for rehab at Bondi. WE watched TV and laughed. We did go to the Doc at Liverpool Hospital. Did the right things for the right reasons and danged if it didn’t work out rather beautifully.
I AM FAT. Obese as they say. We need to do something about that and then I may be a lot more well than I thought I could be. That’s the impression the Doc gave me. IF we can get weight down and other symptoms under control.
One of the side effects of last year’s dependency on others has been a mixing with people from a less than sober position. Well – I have been clean and sober but some of my needs have been met by People who are either new , not in Recovery or have other issues of their own and are quite unmanageable – some paranoid. Some just shakey. The 2 AA meetings I did in Sydney restored me to some sanity and stability.
NOW IS THE TIME – for me to
- take diet more seriously.
- cull the neuro jobs from my life
- bring in some discipline.
- LET GO OF GUILT AND DRUTHERS
- Be done with WHAT IFs.
HOMES IN WHICH I HAVE LIVED.
Visited in December 2015.
SILVER LINING 1/2 WAY HOUSE
THE 1/2 WAY HOUSE
THEY say it reached 42 degrees celsius here today. I was OK. Swam a couple of times. Siesta-ed. Stayed cool. Brierfield was still sick and also extremely hot. I AM SO SLEEPY and really will just take myself to bed. Life is fucking tough for me despite the good stuff. Tough physically. I am getting my head around it but now I am sleepy and just need to go to bed and think about the good stuff. The swimming and chatting and good food and kind people. The Southerly blowing through now and bring the temperatures down. My Poppy at her book opening down in Merimbula.And one more day lived. Suck it dry, Girl. Suck every good juice out of it. Being able to get up barefooted and duck down to the lagoon to see the blood moon. Saltwater and fresh air and safety.
Good Night Southerly. See you all in the morning.
I have little to say once more. I got sick. Cellulitis in one leg and they whacked me into Bellingen Hospital which turned out to be a pleasant experience. Nothing like last year. A private room. Beautiful people and beautiful gardens. I healed in many ways over the last 2 days but the words have run out. Today I was Home again and people came to visit. My leg is still sore. Not very but I can feel its presence.
Its one year since I was taken to Bellingen Hospital after being in ICU in Coffs for 3-4 weeks. Bellingen was a nightmare last year. I was put in Hartley House very weak and immobile. DECONDITIONED is the term. I was put in a 4 bed warm with ladies with Alzheimers and the treatment was shocking. The conditions were horrible and I came home within a couple of days. Unfit to be home but knowing that that ward would see me deteriorate. It led to a very difficult year of carving a path of recovery without official assistance.
This time was different. It was as I recall Bellingen Hospital being over all these years. I had Kate there in 1978. The staff was respectful, kind, efficient and I knew some of them from Music and Town. The food was better and my dear Julie took good care of me. Just as today she came and cleaned house for me and brought rainforest tea from Pomegranate Cafe in Urunga.It was good. I am to see a new Doctor on Friday up in North Bellingen. Dr Hammell. I shall get the tests done to take to Sydney in December. PaulN dropped Chinese herbs in to me today. He thinks its the bleeding causing most of the trouble. Making me weak.
It has been a lovely day. Wonderful temperature and blue skies and good people. I don’t want to think about things. Except the good things. Just for tonight.
Its still early enough to encounter things that “WE” had intended to do. Places “we” had intended to go. Those thoughts came today but the pain was minimal.
I have the money for the car here but rem and dons tok the Alfa for a drive and it didn’t muck up at all.
Today, I have once more slept almost all day. Weak as a lamb. I am growing accustomed to it. My Girl won a school award today. Wonderful !
Its quiet and dark and I am better at night than in the daytime. I got to live long enough to see the things I am seeing now. I am getting to see the Little Girls. And my own Kids as grown ups.
So – toughen up, Girl.Toughen up.
As so often in my Recovery, I am in the very difficult process of discipline. Of being still. Of allowing myself to be changed. I see it as the Incredible Hulk effect.The writhing transformation.
I am in one of those times which is not OUTCOME DIRECTED. That was the terminology being used when I stopped teaching school in 2005. OUTCOME DIRECTED. Not so – times like these. I have no idea of any Outcome to even try to direct myself to. I sit here, And attempt to allow myself to be changed. Into whatever is next. I would not do that if I could see a viable alternative – but I can’t. I thought I was sitting here on $10000 with all my major needs covered. Great Computer. Marvellous Car and then they went Poof! and the Money got gobbled and now – back to the changing room. Different makeup. Different costuming. All different.
The Midnight Train is passing through town now. That means bed for me.
Another day of profound fatigue but without the depression. I did an hour of the NA meeting before sleepiness overcame me. I got $1000 cash from the Post Office towards the car. I am unfamiliar with processes like this and can be very stressed by them but I am OK today. In the afternoon I had a visit from JulH and her friend from down South. VW. That was a pleasure. I am surrounded by programme and as Adrian Bradley once said to Jayne Marie ” whether you like it or not is irrelevant. What is crucial is that you know that your survival depends upon it. ” This week is doing that for me.
We talked of auto immune disorders and BUSYNESS and many of the matters which affect people with long term recovery. I gave them potatoes from the garden to take home. I am a shoddy housekeeper and poor hostess – but I did have fresh potatoes.
I was also published today on an Irish Recovery Blog. Tickled pink – so I am. Tickled pink.
This is Nicky from I Love Recovery Cafe
I published your article today – I absolutely loved it. You have an incredible talent. If you want to have more of your work on the website I’d be honoured to accept it.
I so appreciate your submission. Thank you so very much.
At one stage today. I sat for a good while with the camera on multi-shot. I found that the garden didn’t grow a lot in 20 seconds. Guess, Recovery is the same.
IMAGINE IF I ACTUALLY BECAME CHEERFUL. JUST IMAGINE THAT.